The Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. £150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

Results of Love Marriage

Results of Love Marriage

 

It's ALWAYS the kids that suffer!!

His Name is Zonkey!!!!!!!

Some Piggy Jokes

# Why did the pig go to the casino ? To play the slop machine !

# What do you call a pig with three eyes? ...A piiig

# A city child came running into the farmhouse. "No wonder that mama pig is so big," she yelled. "There's a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!"

# A pig's favorite movie: The Monster That Ate New York.

# All our pigs are learning karate. Oh, I don't believe that No? Well, just watch out for their chops.

# Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop? He called it "Ham Hocks".

# Did you hear about the pig who tried to start a hot-air balloon business? He couldn't get it off the ground. .

# Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for mother's day? What did they do? They threw a sowprize party.

# Did you hear about the pig's vacation? They had a wonderful time at Yellowstone National Park. They dressed up as bears and raided all the garbage cans.

#Did you hear about the pigs who took up motorcycling? They wanted to catch bugs with their teeth.

Request for Hotel Accommodation

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me.

He is well-groomed and very well behaved.

Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,

"I've been operating this hotel for many years.
In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.

I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.

And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.

And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here too.

Missing Husband Report

Missing Husband Report

A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband:

Lady: I lost my Husband

Inspector: What is his height

Lady: I never noticed

Inspector: Slim or healthy

Lady: Not slim can be healthy

Inspector: Colour of eyes

Lady: Never noticed

Inspector: Colour of hair

Lady: Changes according to season

Inspector: What was he wearing

Lady: Suit/casuals I don’t remember exactly

Inspector: Was somebody with him..????

Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together….

And the lady started crying…..

Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first..!!!!

Can you sell a dead donkey?

Can you sell a dead donkey?

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night."

Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey.."


The farmer asked: "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: To raffle is to sell a thing by lottery - draw lot - to a group of people each paying the same amount for a ticket)

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"


Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

An old MONKEY story with a new ENDING

It's an old story that we read but with a new twist in the ending.

A hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side. A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone. He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats.

The hat seller sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down. While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat, the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to his mind*
He took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.

Fifty years later, his grandson, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather.

One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.

He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree.

He remembered his grandfather' s words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed.

He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed.
Now, very convinced of his grandfather' s idea, he threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats.

Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and Guess!!! Said what???


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"You think only you have a grandfather..!!??"

Gorilla On The Roof

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." he calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van.

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean huge dog.

"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

LIttle Johnny The Animal Game

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.


She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand.
The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"Sally holds up her hand and
asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes
on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?". Still no one guesses.
"Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."


Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a hor*y b******."

Why Dogs are better than Women

Why Dogs are better than Women

(NO OFFENCE GIRLS/LADIES - JUST A JOKE)

• Dogs don't cry.

• Dogs love it when your friends come over.

• Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

• Dogs think you sing great.

• A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

• Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

• The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

• Dogs are excited by rough play.

• Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

• Dogs understand that farts are funny.

• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

• Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

• If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

• Dogs don't shop.

• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

• A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

• Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

• A dog's parents never visit.

• Dogs love long car trips.

• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions

Wife vs Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word..

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'