A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. £150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
Showing posts with label Lame. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lame. Show all posts
20 May 2010
13 May 2010
Elephant Jokes
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A:Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it fell asleep.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was a copy cat.
Q: Why did the fourth elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought this was all a game.
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: What does an elephant and a blueberry have in common?
A: They're both blue, except for the elephant.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
! A: First you bake a cake, and put 3 raisins on top, then you take it out in the jungle where the pink elephant will find it, and you wait. Eventually the elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the raisins and throws the cake away. Then you go home and bake another cake and put 2 raisins on top, take it out in the jungle where the elephant will find it. The elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the 2 raisins and throws the cake away. You go home and bake another cake and put only one raisin on it. Then you trek back into the jungle and put the cake where the pink elephant will find it. The elephant comes along eats the raisin, and throws that cake away. Now you go home and bake another cake, but (here's the sneaky part) you don't put any raisins on it. You take it out into the jungle where the elephant will find it and lie in wait. The pink elephant comes along and finds the cake, he gets SO mad that there aren't any raisins on it, he turns red, then you jump on him, strangle him until he turns blue......and you shoot him with a BLUE ELEPHANT GUN!!!
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Aw, come on, have you ever seen a yellow elephant !?!
Q: Why do elephants have red eyes?
A: So they can hide themselves better in cherry trees.
Q: Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No? See how well the trick with the red eyes works?
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: Time to get a new fence.
Q: Where does an 8 ton elephant sit?
A: Any damn place where he pleases!
Q: Why is an elephant covered in wrinkles?
A: Ever try to iron one?
A: Take away his credit card.
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A:Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it fell asleep.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was a copy cat.
Q: Why did the fourth elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought this was all a game.
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: What does an elephant and a blueberry have in common?
A: They're both blue, except for the elephant.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
! A: First you bake a cake, and put 3 raisins on top, then you take it out in the jungle where the pink elephant will find it, and you wait. Eventually the elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the raisins and throws the cake away. Then you go home and bake another cake and put 2 raisins on top, take it out in the jungle where the elephant will find it. The elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the 2 raisins and throws the cake away. You go home and bake another cake and put only one raisin on it. Then you trek back into the jungle and put the cake where the pink elephant will find it. The elephant comes along eats the raisin, and throws that cake away. Now you go home and bake another cake, but (here's the sneaky part) you don't put any raisins on it. You take it out into the jungle where the elephant will find it and lie in wait. The pink elephant comes along and finds the cake, he gets SO mad that there aren't any raisins on it, he turns red, then you jump on him, strangle him until he turns blue......and you shoot him with a BLUE ELEPHANT GUN!!!
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Aw, come on, have you ever seen a yellow elephant !?!
Q: Why do elephants have red eyes?
A: So they can hide themselves better in cherry trees.
Q: Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No? See how well the trick with the red eyes works?
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: Time to get a new fence.
Q: Where does an 8 ton elephant sit?
A: Any damn place where he pleases!
Q: Why is an elephant covered in wrinkles?
A: Ever try to iron one?
Polish Divorce Case
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
'Polish Remover'
Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
'Polish Remover'
06 April 2010
Hans Olaffsen's Laundry
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede.
Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'" "I say Sem Ting."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede.
Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'" "I say Sem Ting."
18 February 2010
The Bus Conductor
Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers.
One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years,tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot.
Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.
The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment.
He was taken to the electrocution chamber.
There was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room.
The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him! .
But to everyone's amazement, he survived.
The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
After a few months, this time, a good looking middle aged woman tried to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus.
Unfortunately, this time also, the good looking middle aged woman came under the bus and died on the spot. Again angry passengers took him to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.
The judge took one look at the conductor and gave him capital punishment.
The Bus conductor was taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room.
He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.
This time also to everyone's amazement, he survived.
The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus.
This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experiences, stopped the bus.
Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries.
The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge.
Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment.
The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room.
He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.
This time he died instantly !!!!!!!!!!!
The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions, but died instantly the third time??
Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather interesting and answer is perfectly logical.
If necessary read the puzzle once again.
Still you couldn't, Then see below...
Think hard
Tired????
wanna know the answer????
Answer :
During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad Conductor, therefore electricity didn't pass through him.
But during the third time, he was a good conductor, electricity passed through him freely and he died!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ha Ha Ha ha !!!!!!!! Obviously you gotta revise your science chapter on Electricity??
One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years,tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot.
Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.
The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment.
He was taken to the electrocution chamber.
There was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room.
The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him! .
But to everyone's amazement, he survived.
The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
After a few months, this time, a good looking middle aged woman tried to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus.
Unfortunately, this time also, the good looking middle aged woman came under the bus and died on the spot. Again angry passengers took him to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.
The judge took one look at the conductor and gave him capital punishment.
The Bus conductor was taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room.
He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.
This time also to everyone's amazement, he survived.
The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus.
This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experiences, stopped the bus.
Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries.
The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge.
Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment.
The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room.
He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.
This time he died instantly !!!!!!!!!!!
The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions, but died instantly the third time??
Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather interesting and answer is perfectly logical.
If necessary read the puzzle once again.
Still you couldn't, Then see below...
Think hard
Tired????
wanna know the answer????
Answer :
During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad Conductor, therefore electricity didn't pass through him.
But during the third time, he was a good conductor, electricity passed through him freely and he died!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ha Ha Ha ha !!!!!!!! Obviously you gotta revise your science chapter on Electricity??
28 October 2009
There were TWO Brooms in the Closet . . .
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt ! ! ! ! ! !
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER !"
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt ! ! ! ! ! !
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER !"
21 July 2009
Pregnancy Q&A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now.
When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now.
When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
15 July 2009
10 Pick Up Lines
1. Walk up behind girl and point fingers shaped like gun into her back
"You're under arrest!"
For what?
"For stealing my heart."
2. Hi, my name is Chance, Do I have one?
3. are your legs tired?
girl: Why?
because you have been running through my mind all day!
4. "I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?"
5. Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in
your eyes
6. Take a look at the tag on the girls shirt, jacket, etc.
She would say,"What are doing"
resond,"Oh, just checking to see if you were made in Heaven."
7. Pick up a flower and walk over to girl.
"I was just showing this flower how beautiful you are."
8. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
9.Walk up to a guy and say: "Are you from Greece?"
"No" he answers.
"Oh, I thought all the gods were from Greece"
10. GEE I FEEL LIKE RICHARD GERE STANDING BESIDE YOU ........... Pretty Woman
"You're under arrest!"
For what?
"For stealing my heart."
2. Hi, my name is Chance, Do I have one?
3. are your legs tired?
girl: Why?
because you have been running through my mind all day!
4. "I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?"
5. Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in
your eyes
6. Take a look at the tag on the girls shirt, jacket, etc.
She would say,"What are doing"
resond,"Oh, just checking to see if you were made in Heaven."
7. Pick up a flower and walk over to girl.
"I was just showing this flower how beautiful you are."
8. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
9.Walk up to a guy and say: "Are you from Greece?"
"No" he answers.
"Oh, I thought all the gods were from Greece"
10. GEE I FEEL LIKE RICHARD GERE STANDING BESIDE YOU ........... Pretty Woman
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