Showing posts with label girl. Show all posts
Showing posts with label girl. Show all posts
02 July 2010
17 June 2010
What Does a Woman Really Want?
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by
Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long
as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to
figure out the answer and, If after a year, he still had no answer, he would
be put to death.
The question was: "What does a Woman really want?"
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, And to young
Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death,
He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: The princess, the
priests, the wise men, and even the court jester.. He spoke with everyone,
but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to
consult the old witch, For only she would have the answer. But the price
would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the
exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the
witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her
price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most noble of the Knights of
the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one
tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He
refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden,
But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.. He said
nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life. And the
reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the
witch answered. Arthur's question thus: 'What does a Woman really want?'
She said, 'Is to be in charge of her own life.'
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great
truth. And that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The
neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom. And Lancelot and the witch
had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific
experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him..
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The
astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared
as a witch, She would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half
the time.. And the beautiful maiden the other half.
'Which would you prefer? She asked him. 'Beautiful during the day .... or at
night?'
Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,
But at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!
Or,
Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day?
But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments
with?
(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?
(If you are a woman reading this) What should YOUR MAN'S choice be?
What Lancelot chose, is given below:
BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below... OKAY?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, He
said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this,
she announced that she would be beautiful all the time. Because, he had
respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now.... what is the moral to this story?
The moral is...
1) There is a witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is!
2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.
So, always remember:
IT'S EITHER 'HER WAY' OR IT'S 'NO WAY'..
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by
Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long
as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to
figure out the answer and, If after a year, he still had no answer, he would
be put to death.
The question was: "What does a Woman really want?"
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, And to young
Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death,
He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: The princess, the
priests, the wise men, and even the court jester.. He spoke with everyone,
but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to
consult the old witch, For only she would have the answer. But the price
would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the
exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the
witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her
price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most noble of the Knights of
the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one
tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He
refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden,
But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.. He said
nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life. And the
reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the
witch answered. Arthur's question thus: 'What does a Woman really want?'
She said, 'Is to be in charge of her own life.'
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great
truth. And that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The
neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom. And Lancelot and the witch
had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific
experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him..
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The
astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared
as a witch, She would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half
the time.. And the beautiful maiden the other half.
'Which would you prefer? She asked him. 'Beautiful during the day .... or at
night?'
Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,
But at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch!
Or,
Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day?
But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments
with?
(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?
(If you are a woman reading this) What should YOUR MAN'S choice be?
What Lancelot chose, is given below:
BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below... OKAY?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, He
said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this,
she announced that she would be beautiful all the time. Because, he had
respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now.... what is the moral to this story?
The moral is...
1) There is a witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is!
2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.
So, always remember:
IT'S EITHER 'HER WAY' OR IT'S 'NO WAY'..
03 May 2010
Women Captains
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the
G.I..s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency
exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the
captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't
know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We no longer
call it the cockpit'
G.I..s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency
exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the
captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't
know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We no longer
call it the cockpit'
27 April 2010
10 Rules For Men To Follow For A Happy Life
10 Rules For Men To Follow For A Happy Life
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.
2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.
3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.
4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.
5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.
6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.
7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.
9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.
10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other.
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.
2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.
3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.
4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.
5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.
6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.
7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.
9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.
10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other.
08 April 2010
How a Woman's Brains Works?
Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done,
a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man only has 2 balls and they consume all his thoughts.
23 February 2010
The Female Thought Process
The diagram demonstrates the THOUGHTS in a female and male brain during the simple question: "Shall we go for a party?"
22 February 2010
A Chemical Analysis of Women
ELEMENT : WOMAN
Symbol : WO+
Discoverer : Adam Edenwarden
Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 kg, isotopes vary
from 40 - 200kg
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with thin film of make-up.
2. Boils at room temperature.
3. Freezes without any known reason.
4. Melts if given special treatment.
5. Bitter if incorrectly used.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Have great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones and absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
3. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
Highly ornamental, especially in social gatherings.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy.
2. Turns pale green when placed beside a better specimen.
POTENTIAL HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
Symbol : WO+
Discoverer : Adam Edenwarden
Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 kg, isotopes vary
from 40 - 200kg
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with thin film of make-up.
2. Boils at room temperature.
3. Freezes without any known reason.
4. Melts if given special treatment.
5. Bitter if incorrectly used.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Have great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones and absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
3. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
Highly ornamental, especially in social gatherings.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy.
2. Turns pale green when placed beside a better specimen.
POTENTIAL HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
11 February 2010
And they say Blondes are dumb
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
12 January 2010
ATM Instructions for Guy & Girls
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
************ ********* ********* *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7.. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside..
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24.. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
************ ********* ********* *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7.. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside..
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24.. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
The Girlfriend
After directory assistance gave Rosy, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Adam there?" Rosy asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Rosy said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, Rosy dialed again. This time a man answered.
"This is Adam," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" Rosy exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
"Is Adam there?" Rosy asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Rosy said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, Rosy dialed again. This time a man answered.
"This is Adam," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" Rosy exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
09 December 2009
A Woman's Week at the Gym
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year my husband purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.!!!!
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the ma hine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
For my birthday this year my husband purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.!!!!
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the ma hine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
02 December 2009
Mandatory Classes for Guys and Girls
CLASSES FOR WOMEN....
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
Topic 1. Silence, the Final Frontier:
Where No Woman Has Gone Before
Topic 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking:
Making Deposits
Topic 3. Parties:
Going Without New Outfits
Topic 4. Bathroom Etiquette:
Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
Topic 5. Communication Skills I:
Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
Topic 6. Communication Skills II:
Getting What you Want Without Nagging
Topic 7. Driving a Car Safely:
A Skill You CAN Acquire
Topic 8. Telephone Skills:
How to Hang Up
Topic 9. Advanced Parking:
Backing Into a Space
Topic 10. Cooking III:
How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
Topic 11. Classic Footwear:
Wearing Shoes You Already Have
Topic 12. Oil and Petrol:
Your Car Needs Both
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME! OPEN TO MEN ONLY!
Evening classes for men. Starting this month!
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.
Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays.
Step by step with slide presentation.
Topic 2. Toilet paper rolls: do they grow on the holders?
Round-table discussion.
Topic 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.
Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing control of the TV remote...
Helpline and support groups.
Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.
Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real-life testimonials.
Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.
Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.
Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
Topic 1. Silence, the Final Frontier:
Where No Woman Has Gone Before
Topic 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking:
Making Deposits
Topic 3. Parties:
Going Without New Outfits
Topic 4. Bathroom Etiquette:
Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
Topic 5. Communication Skills I:
Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
Topic 6. Communication Skills II:
Getting What you Want Without Nagging
Topic 7. Driving a Car Safely:
A Skill You CAN Acquire
Topic 8. Telephone Skills:
How to Hang Up
Topic 9. Advanced Parking:
Backing Into a Space
Topic 10. Cooking III:
How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
Topic 11. Classic Footwear:
Wearing Shoes You Already Have
Topic 12. Oil and Petrol:
Your Car Needs Both
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME! OPEN TO MEN ONLY!
Evening classes for men. Starting this month!
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.
Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays.
Step by step with slide presentation.
Topic 2. Toilet paper rolls: do they grow on the holders?
Round-table discussion.
Topic 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.
Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing control of the TV remote...
Helpline and support groups.
Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.
Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real-life testimonials.
Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.
Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.
Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
16 October 2009
Embarassing Situation
A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice :
"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly with,
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN TEN THOUSAND RUPEES FOR ONE NIGHT? THATS TOO MUCH!"
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice :
"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly with,
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN TEN THOUSAND RUPEES FOR ONE NIGHT? THATS TOO MUCH!"
14 October 2009
Adam & Eve Joke
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.
08 October 2009
How the Company Views its Employees
How the Company Views its Employees
1. The family picture is on HIS desk.
Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on HER desk.
Umm, her family will come before her career.
********
2. HIS desk is cluttered.
He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
HER desk is cluttered.
She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain
********
3. HE is talking with his co-workers.
He must be discussing the latest deal
SHE is talking with her co-workers.
She must be gossiping.
********
4. HE's not at his desk.
He must be at a meeting.
SHE's not at her desk.
She must be in the ladies' room.
********
5. HE's not in the office.
He's meeting with customers.
SHE's not in the office.
She must be out shopping.
********
6. HE's having lunch with the boss.
He's on his way up.
SHE's having lunch with the boss.
They must be having an affair.
********
7. The boss criticised HIM.
He'll improve his performance.
The boss criticized HER.
She'll be very upset.
********
8. HE got an unfair deal.
Did he get angry?
SHE got an unfair deal.
Did she cry?
********
9. HE's getting married.
He'll get more settled.
SHE's getting married.
She'll get pregnant and leave.
********
10. HE's having a baby.
He'll need a raise.
SHE's having a baby.
She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.
********
11. HE's going on a business trip.
It's good for his career.
SHE's going on a business trip.
What does her husband say?
********
12. HE's leaving for a better job.
He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.
SHE's leaving for a better job.
Women are not dependable.
1. The family picture is on HIS desk.
Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on HER desk.
Umm, her family will come before her career.
********
2. HIS desk is cluttered.
He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
HER desk is cluttered.
She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain
********
3. HE is talking with his co-workers.
He must be discussing the latest deal
SHE is talking with her co-workers.
She must be gossiping.
********
4. HE's not at his desk.
He must be at a meeting.
SHE's not at her desk.
She must be in the ladies' room.
********
5. HE's not in the office.
He's meeting with customers.
SHE's not in the office.
She must be out shopping.
********
6. HE's having lunch with the boss.
He's on his way up.
SHE's having lunch with the boss.
They must be having an affair.
********
7. The boss criticised HIM.
He'll improve his performance.
The boss criticized HER.
She'll be very upset.
********
8. HE got an unfair deal.
Did he get angry?
SHE got an unfair deal.
Did she cry?
********
9. HE's getting married.
He'll get more settled.
SHE's getting married.
She'll get pregnant and leave.
********
10. HE's having a baby.
He'll need a raise.
SHE's having a baby.
She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.
********
11. HE's going on a business trip.
It's good for his career.
SHE's going on a business trip.
What does her husband say?
********
12. HE's leaving for a better job.
He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.
SHE's leaving for a better job.
Women are not dependable.
05 October 2009
Murphy's laws on Girls
Murphy's laws on Girls
1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that
2. the nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!
3. The more the makeup, worse the looks...
4. "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always be in your company."............ .....100% true
5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.
6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now ,when you are committed..
7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.
8. Theory of relativity.. ....
The more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...
9. Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend( I guess from Kumbh ka Mela)
Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1
Axiom 1: The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before things work out, but ultimately it will (somesmile for the guys)
10. The day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-
1. You are dressed badly
2. You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
3.Have a bad hair day
11. all the good girls are either nuns or married . The rest go around with u and ruin ur money,health and leave u a total wreck.
12. The more seriously u like a girl...the more seriously her dad will hate u
13. The love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to the number of bullets her dad will be showering at you.
1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that
2. the nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!
3. The more the makeup, worse the looks...
4. "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always be in your company."............ .....100% true
5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.
6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now ,when you are committed..
7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.
8. Theory of relativity.. ....
The more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...
9. Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend( I guess from Kumbh ka Mela)
Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1
Axiom 1: The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before things work out, but ultimately it will (somesmile for the guys)
10. The day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-
1. You are dressed badly
2. You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
3.Have a bad hair day
11. all the good girls are either nuns or married . The rest go around with u and ruin ur money,health and leave u a total wreck.
12. The more seriously u like a girl...the more seriously her dad will hate u
13. The love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to the number of bullets her dad will be showering at you.
28 September 2009
Missing Husband Report
Missing Husband Report
A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband:
Lady: I lost my Husband
Inspector: What is his height
Lady: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Lady: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes
Lady: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair
Lady: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was he wearing
Lady: Suit/casuals I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him..????
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together….
And the lady started crying…..
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first..!!!!
A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband:
Lady: I lost my Husband
Inspector: What is his height
Lady: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Lady: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes
Lady: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair
Lady: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was he wearing
Lady: Suit/casuals I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him..????
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together….
And the lady started crying…..
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first..!!!!
24 September 2009
.... still Women Likes Man
Men are like computers “ hard to figure out and never have enough memory Still Women likes man
Men are like coolers “ load them with beer and you can take them anywhere Still Women likes man
Men are like chocolate bars “ sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips Still Women likes man
Men are like coffee “ the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night Still Women likes man
Men are like horoscopes “ they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong Still Women likes man
Men are like cement “ after getting laid they take a long time to get hard Still Women likes man
Men are like laxatives “ they irritate the shit out of you Still Women likes man
Men are like parking spots “ the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped Still Women likes man
A man is like a snowstorm “ you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last Still Women likes man
What should you give a man who has everything? “ A woman to show him how to work it Still Women likes man
How does a man show he's planning for the future? “ He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Still Women likes man
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? “ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Still Women likes man
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? “ They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half the time. Still Women likes man
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? “ After a year the dog is still excited to see you. Still Women likes man
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? “ Breasts don't have eyes. Still Women likes man
What's the difference between men and government bonds? “ Bonds mature Still Women likes man
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? “ We don't know, it's never happened Still Women likes man
Why are men like tile floors? “ If you lay ' em properly the first time, you can walk over them for years. Still Women likes man
What do you call a man with half a brain? “ Gifted. Still Women likes man
AND FINALLY ¦¦ Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? “ Because these men already have boyfriends! Still Women likes man
Men are like coolers “ load them with beer and you can take them anywhere Still Women likes man
Men are like chocolate bars “ sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips Still Women likes man
Men are like coffee “ the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night Still Women likes man
Men are like horoscopes “ they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong Still Women likes man
Men are like cement “ after getting laid they take a long time to get hard Still Women likes man
Men are like laxatives “ they irritate the shit out of you Still Women likes man
Men are like parking spots “ the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped Still Women likes man
A man is like a snowstorm “ you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last Still Women likes man
What should you give a man who has everything? “ A woman to show him how to work it Still Women likes man
How does a man show he's planning for the future? “ He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Still Women likes man
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? “ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Still Women likes man
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? “ They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half the time. Still Women likes man
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? “ After a year the dog is still excited to see you. Still Women likes man
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? “ Breasts don't have eyes. Still Women likes man
What's the difference between men and government bonds? “ Bonds mature Still Women likes man
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? “ We don't know, it's never happened Still Women likes man
Why are men like tile floors? “ If you lay ' em properly the first time, you can walk over them for years. Still Women likes man
What do you call a man with half a brain? “ Gifted. Still Women likes man
AND FINALLY ¦¦ Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? “ Because these men already have boyfriends! Still Women likes man
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