The Divorce Lift

A typical wedding photo was affixed to the lift doors in a law firm

Unfortunately, every time the doors opened, the couple split up

But help was at hand for everyone in the same position as soon as they stepped into

the lift :  a sign showed the name of the law firm for a Divorce Lawyer!!

How to Bill Others

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Best Lawyer Story of the Year

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY

Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!


(Stay with me.)


Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous.


The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from
the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".


NOW FOR THE BEST PART..



After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON (Arson is the crime of deliberately and maliciously setting fire to structures or wildland areas.) With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent


Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN America!

Small Town Trial

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; " Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.

You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.

One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair ."

Disorder in the American courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are (purportedly) things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Hard to believe some of these - but they are pretty funny.


ATTORNEY: "What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?"
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: "And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: "My name is Susan!"
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
WITNESS: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
_____________ _______________________________
ATTORNEY: "Are you sexually active?"
WITNESS: "No, I just lie there."
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?"
WITNESS: "Yes."
ATTORNEY: "And in what way does it affect your memory?"
WITNESS: "I forget."
ATTORNEY: "You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?"
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?"
WITNESS: "We both do."
ATTORNEY: "Voodoo?"
WITNESS: "We do."
ATTORNEY: "You do?
WITNESS: "Yes, voodoo."
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: "Did you actually pass the bar exam?"
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: "The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?"
WITNESS: "He's twenty, much like your IQ."
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
WITNESS: "Are you shitting me?"
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
WITNESS: "Yes."
ATTORNEY: "And what were you doing at that time?"
WITNESS: "Getting laid."
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "She had three children, right?"
WITNESS: "Yes."
ATTORNEY: "How many were boys?"
WITNESS: "None."
ATTORNEY: "Were there any girls?"
WITNESS : "Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?"
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
WITNESS: "By death."
ATTORNEY: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
WITNESS: "Take a guess."
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "Can you describe the individual?"
WITNESS: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
ATTORNEY: "Was this a male or a female?"
WITNESS: "Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male."
_________ ____________________________
ATTORNEY: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
WITNESS: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
WITNESS: "All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight."
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
WITNESS: "Oral."
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
WITNESS: "The autopsy started around 8:30 pm."
ATTORNEY: "And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?"
WITNESS: "If not, he was by the time I finished."
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
WITNESS: "Are you qualified to ask that question?"
_____________ _________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
WITNESS: "No."
ATTORNEY: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
WITNESS: "No."
ATTORNEY: "Did you check for breathing?"
WITNESS: "No."
ATTORNEY: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
WITNESS: "No."
ATTORNEY: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
WITNESS: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
ATTORNEY: "I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?"
WITNESS: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law."