A newly joined trainee engineer asks his boss "what is the meaning of appraisal?"
Boss: "Do you know the meaning of resignation? "
Trainee: "Yes I do"
Boss: "So let me make you understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation"
Comparison study : Appraisal and Resignation
**********
In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.
In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.
**********
In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.
In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.
**********
During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.
During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.
**********
There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after you put the resignation.
**********
Showing posts with label Business. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Business. Show all posts
17 February 2010
The Corporate Language
"We will do it"
means
" You will do it"
"You have done a great job"
means
"More work to be given to you"
"We are working on it"
means
"We have not yet started working on the same"
"Tomorrow first thing in the morning"
means
"Its not getting done...
At least not tomorrow !".
"After discussion we will decide - I am very open to views"
means
"I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"
"There was a slight miscommunication"
means
"We had actually lied"
"Lets call a meeting and discuss"
means
"I have no time now, will talk later"
"We can always do it"
means
"We actually cannot do the same on time"
"We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline"
means
"The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."
"We had slight differences of opinion"
means
"We had actually fought"
"Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you"
means
"Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"
"You should have told me earlier"
means
"Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"
"We need to find out the real reason"
means
"Well I will tell you where your fault is"
"Well... family is important, your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected"
means
"Well you know..."
"We are a team"
means
"I am not the only one to be blamed"
"That's actually a good question"
means
"I do not know anything about it"
"All the Best"
means
" You are in trouble"
means
" You will do it"
"You have done a great job"
means
"More work to be given to you"
"We are working on it"
means
"We have not yet started working on the same"
"Tomorrow first thing in the morning"
means
"Its not getting done...
At least not tomorrow !".
"After discussion we will decide - I am very open to views"
means
"I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"
"There was a slight miscommunication"
means
"We had actually lied"
"Lets call a meeting and discuss"
means
"I have no time now, will talk later"
"We can always do it"
means
"We actually cannot do the same on time"
"We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline"
means
"The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."
"We had slight differences of opinion"
means
"We had actually fought"
"Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you"
means
"Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"
"You should have told me earlier"
means
"Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"
"We need to find out the real reason"
means
"Well I will tell you where your fault is"
"Well... family is important, your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected"
means
"Well you know..."
"We are a team"
means
"I am not the only one to be blamed"
"That's actually a good question"
means
"I do not know anything about it"
"All the Best"
means
" You are in trouble"
02 December 2009
20 New Management Styles in Corporates
Some Management Jokes
Twenty New Management Styles in Corporate
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THEN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.
3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.
4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If He is good, He knows what she must do.
5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases.
6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.
7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of simulants from category 5!
8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to do.
9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.
11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.
12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.
16) BUA MANAGEMENT (BY USING ABBREVIATIONS)
This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication)
17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.
18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.
19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promisses, the priority of that promise is to low to remember.
Twenty New Management Styles in Corporate
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THEN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.
3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.
4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If He is good, He knows what she must do.
5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases.
6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.
7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of simulants from category 5!
8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to do.
9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.
11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.
12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.
16) BUA MANAGEMENT (BY USING ABBREVIATIONS)
This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication)
17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.
18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.
19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promisses, the priority of that promise is to low to remember.
Analogy Of Stock Market
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs50."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!!!
Welcome to the "Stock" Market!!!!!
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs50."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!!!
Welcome to the "Stock" Market!!!!!
19 May 2009
How the Stock Market Works
It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their
New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern
society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the
National Weather Service and asked 'Is
the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is Going to
be quite cold indeed,' the weather man Responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect
even more Wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service
again replied, 'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to
be very cold?'
'Absolutely, ' The Man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest
winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red
Indians are collecting wood like Crazy..'
This is how stock markets work !!!
New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern
society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the
National Weather Service and asked 'Is
the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is Going to
be quite cold indeed,' the weather man Responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect
even more Wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service
again replied, 'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to
be very cold?'
'Absolutely, ' The Man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest
winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red
Indians are collecting wood like Crazy..'
This is how stock markets work !!!
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