Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year my husband purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.!!!!
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the ma hine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
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SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
09 December 2009
The Mexican
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?" asked the Mexican.
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even New York City ! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" said the Mexican.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends."
And the moral is…
Know where you're going in life...you may already be there.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?" asked the Mexican.
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even New York City ! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" said the Mexican.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends."
And the moral is…
Know where you're going in life...you may already be there.
A Happy Married Life
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love,
Couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered.
"I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer,
Brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India , etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,
"Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... They have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that
She was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said,
"Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that.."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR BLOODY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
And...they lived happily ever after.
Couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered.
"I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer,
Brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India , etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,
"Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... They have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that
She was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said,
"Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that.."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR BLOODY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
And...they lived happily ever after.
08 December 2009
Worst Day Of Life
Worst day of life
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink . He stays like that for half-hour.
Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says: " Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life.
First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car,
I found out it was stolen.
The police, they said they couldn't do anything.
I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener.
I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink . He stays like that for half-hour.
Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says: " Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life.
First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car,
I found out it was stolen.
The police, they said they couldn't do anything.
I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener.
I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
07 December 2009
Lil Johnny Mathematics
Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!
Teacher: Where do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because I've already got one at home..
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!
Teacher: Where do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because I've already got one at home..
04 December 2009
Indians Vs. Americans
An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, typically chewing gum, sits down beside him. The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat:
The American: Do you eat that bread-entirely?
The Indian: Of course!
The American: We do not. We only eat the inner part; the crust is put in a container, later processed, transformed into flour and then sold to India.
The Indian says nothing.
The American continues: Do you eat this jelly with the bread?
The Indian repeats: Of course.
The American: We do not. We eat our fresh fruits for breakfast; we keep all
the peels and seeds in containers. Later we process it, and
transform it into jelly and then we sell it to India.
The Indian asks: And what do you do with the condoms after you use them?
American: We throw them away, of course!
Indian: We do not..! We keep them in containers, process them, transform them into chewing gum and then sell it to The United States!
The American: Do you eat that bread-entirely?
The Indian: Of course!
The American: We do not. We only eat the inner part; the crust is put in a container, later processed, transformed into flour and then sold to India.
The Indian says nothing.
The American continues: Do you eat this jelly with the bread?
The Indian repeats: Of course.
The American: We do not. We eat our fresh fruits for breakfast; we keep all
the peels and seeds in containers. Later we process it, and
transform it into jelly and then we sell it to India.
The Indian asks: And what do you do with the condoms after you use them?
American: We throw them away, of course!
Indian: We do not..! We keep them in containers, process them, transform them into chewing gum and then sell it to The United States!
Dad & Mom are getting a Divorce!
An elderly man in Mumbai calls his son in New York and says, 'I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 35 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!'
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says.'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'
She calls Mumbai immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??' and she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay', he says, 'It's all set. They're both coming for our anniversary and paying their own airfare!!'
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says.'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'
She calls Mumbai immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??' and she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay', he says, 'It's all set. They're both coming for our anniversary and paying their own airfare!!'
02 December 2009
A Cabbie & A Nun
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.
Mother In Law Joke
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only
skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no
one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor
also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new
face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends
and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at
her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything
ou did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see
your mother kiss my ass.'
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only
skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no
one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor
also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new
face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends
and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at
her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything
ou did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see
your mother kiss my ass.'
20 New Management Styles in Corporates
Some Management Jokes
Twenty New Management Styles in Corporate
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THEN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.
3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.
4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If He is good, He knows what she must do.
5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases.
6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.
7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of simulants from category 5!
8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to do.
9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.
11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.
12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.
16) BUA MANAGEMENT (BY USING ABBREVIATIONS)
This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication)
17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.
18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.
19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promisses, the priority of that promise is to low to remember.
Twenty New Management Styles in Corporate
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THEN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.
3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.
4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If He is good, He knows what she must do.
5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases.
6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.
7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of simulants from category 5!
8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to do.
9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.
11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.
12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.
16) BUA MANAGEMENT (BY USING ABBREVIATIONS)
This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication)
17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.
18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.
19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promisses, the priority of that promise is to low to remember.
Analogy Of Stock Market
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs50."
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The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!!!
Welcome to the "Stock" Market!!!!!
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs50."
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The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!!!
Welcome to the "Stock" Market!!!!!
Mandatory Classes for Guys and Girls
CLASSES FOR WOMEN....
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
Topic 1. Silence, the Final Frontier:
Where No Woman Has Gone Before
Topic 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking:
Making Deposits
Topic 3. Parties:
Going Without New Outfits
Topic 4. Bathroom Etiquette:
Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
Topic 5. Communication Skills I:
Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
Topic 6. Communication Skills II:
Getting What you Want Without Nagging
Topic 7. Driving a Car Safely:
A Skill You CAN Acquire
Topic 8. Telephone Skills:
How to Hang Up
Topic 9. Advanced Parking:
Backing Into a Space
Topic 10. Cooking III:
How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
Topic 11. Classic Footwear:
Wearing Shoes You Already Have
Topic 12. Oil and Petrol:
Your Car Needs Both
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME! OPEN TO MEN ONLY!
Evening classes for men. Starting this month!
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.
Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays.
Step by step with slide presentation.
Topic 2. Toilet paper rolls: do they grow on the holders?
Round-table discussion.
Topic 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.
Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing control of the TV remote...
Helpline and support groups.
Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.
Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real-life testimonials.
Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.
Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.
Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
Topic 1. Silence, the Final Frontier:
Where No Woman Has Gone Before
Topic 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking:
Making Deposits
Topic 3. Parties:
Going Without New Outfits
Topic 4. Bathroom Etiquette:
Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
Topic 5. Communication Skills I:
Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
Topic 6. Communication Skills II:
Getting What you Want Without Nagging
Topic 7. Driving a Car Safely:
A Skill You CAN Acquire
Topic 8. Telephone Skills:
How to Hang Up
Topic 9. Advanced Parking:
Backing Into a Space
Topic 10. Cooking III:
How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
Topic 11. Classic Footwear:
Wearing Shoes You Already Have
Topic 12. Oil and Petrol:
Your Car Needs Both
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME! OPEN TO MEN ONLY!
Evening classes for men. Starting this month!
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.
Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays.
Step by step with slide presentation.
Topic 2. Toilet paper rolls: do they grow on the holders?
Round-table discussion.
Topic 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.
Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing control of the TV remote...
Helpline and support groups.
Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.
Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real-life testimonials.
Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.
Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.
Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
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