Question: What would you like to have... Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?
Answer: Tea please.
Question: Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?
Answer: Ceylon tea.
Question: How would you like it? Black or white?
Answer: White
Question: Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?
Answer: With milk.
Question: Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk
Answer: With cow milk please.
Question: Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?
Answer: Um, I'll take it black.
Question: Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
Answer: With sugar.
Question: Beet sugar or cane sugar?
Answer: Cane sugar.
Question: White, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer: Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead.
Question: Mineral water or still water?
Answer: Mineral water.
Question: Flavored or non-flavored?
Answer: I'll rather die of thirst.
25 January 2010
I Lost My Ears
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.
He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, 'yes, I can put you right.'
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, 'You swine, you gave me a woman's ears.'
'Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's.'
'You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!'
He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, 'yes, I can put you right.'
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, 'You swine, you gave me a woman's ears.'
'Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's.'
'You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!'
Printer Repair
When a guy's printing on his printer began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
Marriage Jokes
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
*******************************************************************
Senior 1
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other," Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding, "
Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
********************************************************************
Senior 2
An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Darling, etc…
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.
The old man hung his head, sighed and said I have to tell you the truth, her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old lady what it is...
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
*******************************************************************
Senior 1
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other," Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding, "
Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
********************************************************************
Senior 2
An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Darling, etc…
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.
The old man hung his head, sighed and said I have to tell you the truth, her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old lady what it is...
What Men Really Mean
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up!
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up!
23 January 2010
Little Johnny's Hole in One.....
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. And now here's......... Little Johnny again.............
Teacher: Whoever answers the question I ask, first and correctly can leave early today:
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta of here, I'm smart and will
answer the question"
Teacher: Who said "Four Score and Seven Years Ago?
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says "Abraham Lincoln"
Teacher: That's right Susie, you can go home"
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: Who said "I Have a Dream"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says:"Martin Luther King"
Teacher: That's right Mary, you can go
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: Who said "Ask not, what your Country can do for you ?
Before Johnny can open his mouth Nancy says,"John F. Kennedy"
Teacher: That's right Nancy, you may also leave"
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.
When the Teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these Bitches would
keep their mouths shut !!!
The teacher turns around "NOW WHO SAID THAT"
Johnny" TIGER WOODS, CAN I GO NOW ?
Teacher: Whoever answers the question I ask, first and correctly can leave early today:
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta of here, I'm smart and will
answer the question"
Teacher: Who said "Four Score and Seven Years Ago?
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says "Abraham Lincoln"
Teacher: That's right Susie, you can go home"
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: Who said "I Have a Dream"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says:"Martin Luther King"
Teacher: That's right Mary, you can go
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: Who said "Ask not, what your Country can do for you ?
Before Johnny can open his mouth Nancy says,"John F. Kennedy"
Teacher: That's right Nancy, you may also leave"
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.
When the Teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these Bitches would
keep their mouths shut !!!
The teacher turns around "NOW WHO SAID THAT"
Johnny" TIGER WOODS, CAN I GO NOW ?
19 January 2010
The Divorce Lift
A typical wedding photo was affixed to the lift doors in a law firm
Unfortunately, every time the doors opened, the couple split up
But help was at hand for everyone in the same position as soon as they stepped into
the lift : a sign showed the name of the law firm for a Divorce Lawyer!!
Sardar Jokes
Sardar ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
* * * * *
Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
* * * * * *
How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
* * * * * *
What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
* * * * * *
How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
* * * * * *
What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
* * * * * *
Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
* * * * * *
Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.
* * * * * *
How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.
* * * * * *
What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
* * * * * *
What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?
The back of his head.
* * * * * *
What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
* * * * *
Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
* * * * * *
How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
* * * * * *
What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
* * * * * *
How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
* * * * * *
What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
* * * * * *
Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
* * * * * *
Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.
* * * * * *
How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.
* * * * * *
What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
* * * * * *
What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?
The back of his head.
* * * * * *
What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
18 January 2010
The Managing Director
On walking into the factory, the Managing Director of the company noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.
He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such apersonal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said,
"Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty!
Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".
The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.
Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies to everybody in this company".
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man I just fired?" To which an amazing reply came - "He was the pizza delivery guy , Sir!"
He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such apersonal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said,
"Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty!
Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".
The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.
Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies to everybody in this company".
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man I just fired?" To which an amazing reply came - "He was the pizza delivery guy , Sir!"
Tiffany's Bracelet
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly has to fart.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam. if you farted just looking at it -
you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam. if you farted just looking at it -
you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
The $2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
Not All Blondes are Stupid
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...
'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are stupid.. Not all blondes are dumb, But all men are men.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...
'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are stupid.. Not all blondes are dumb, But all men are men.
Spread the Stupidity
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
________________________________________
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
________________________________________
Only in America ......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
________________________________________
Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
________________________________________
Only in America ..........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..
________________________________________
Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
________________________________________
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
________________________________________
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
________________________________________
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins
Lottery'?
________________________________________
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
________________________________________
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
________________________________________
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
________________________________________
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
________________________________________
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
________________________________________
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
________________________________________
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
________________________________________
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
________________________________________
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
________________________________________
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
________________________________________
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
________________________________________
I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
________________________________________
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
________________________________________
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
________________________________________
Only in America ......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
________________________________________
Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
________________________________________
Only in America ..........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..
________________________________________
Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
________________________________________
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
________________________________________
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
________________________________________
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins
Lottery'?
________________________________________
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
________________________________________
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
________________________________________
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
________________________________________
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
________________________________________
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
________________________________________
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
________________________________________
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
________________________________________
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
________________________________________
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
________________________________________
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
________________________________________
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
________________________________________
I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
________________________________________
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
12 January 2010
My Most Embarassing Moment
This could happen to you.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other toilet saying:
'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'
And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'
Then I hear the person say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other toilet who keeps answering all my questions.'
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other toilet saying:
'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'
And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'
Then I hear the person say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other toilet who keeps answering all my questions.'
ATM Instructions for Guy & Girls
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
************ ********* ********* *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7.. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside..
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24.. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
************ ********* ********* *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7.. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside..
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24.. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
The Girlfriend
After directory assistance gave Rosy, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Adam there?" Rosy asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Rosy said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, Rosy dialed again. This time a man answered.
"This is Adam," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" Rosy exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
"Is Adam there?" Rosy asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Rosy said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, Rosy dialed again. This time a man answered.
"This is Adam," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" Rosy exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
Some Piggy Jokes
# Why did the pig go to the casino ? To play the slop machine !
# What do you call a pig with three eyes? ...A piiig
# A city child came running into the farmhouse. "No wonder that mama pig is so big," she yelled. "There's a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!"
# A pig's favorite movie: The Monster That Ate New York.
# All our pigs are learning karate. Oh, I don't believe that No? Well, just watch out for their chops.
# Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop? He called it "Ham Hocks".
# Did you hear about the pig who tried to start a hot-air balloon business? He couldn't get it off the ground. .
# Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for mother's day? What did they do? They threw a sowprize party.
# Did you hear about the pig's vacation? They had a wonderful time at Yellowstone National Park. They dressed up as bears and raided all the garbage cans.
#Did you hear about the pigs who took up motorcycling? They wanted to catch bugs with their teeth.
# What do you call a pig with three eyes? ...A piiig
# A city child came running into the farmhouse. "No wonder that mama pig is so big," she yelled. "There's a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!"
# A pig's favorite movie: The Monster That Ate New York.
# All our pigs are learning karate. Oh, I don't believe that No? Well, just watch out for their chops.
# Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop? He called it "Ham Hocks".
# Did you hear about the pig who tried to start a hot-air balloon business? He couldn't get it off the ground. .
# Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for mother's day? What did they do? They threw a sowprize party.
# Did you hear about the pig's vacation? They had a wonderful time at Yellowstone National Park. They dressed up as bears and raided all the garbage cans.
#Did you hear about the pigs who took up motorcycling? They wanted to catch bugs with their teeth.
07 January 2010
Test Your Intelligence with Elephant Jokes
This is a test for Intelligent People. I have determined that you qualify.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you if you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!
1.. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tested whether you tend to do simple things
In an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator,
Put in the elephant,
And close the
Refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe,
Put in the elephant and close the door.
This tested your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend....except one.
Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant.
The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there.
This tested your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
You still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening?
All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
This tested whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends...
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you if you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!
1.. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tested whether you tend to do simple things
In an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator,
Put in the elephant,
And close the
Refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe,
Put in the elephant and close the door.
This tested your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend....except one.
Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant.
The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there.
This tested your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
You still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening?
All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
This tested whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends...
Knowing Your Customers
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained
"When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And Then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should had!? said the salesman. didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left"
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained
"When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And Then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should had!? said the salesman. didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left"
A Husband's One Liners
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
Little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .
3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4... I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8.. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
For the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"
Little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .
3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4... I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8.. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
For the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"
Best Divorce Letter!!!
Dear Hubby,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good woman to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. But, these last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, & even wore a brand new pair of silk dress. You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching all of your games. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone!!
Your Ex-Wife
P.S.: Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
--
Dear Ex-Wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my games so much because they drown-out your constant whining & griping (too bad that doesn't work). I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk dress: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for $10 million, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!!
P.S.: I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born as Carla (woman).........I hope that's not a problem!!
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good woman to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. But, these last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, & even wore a brand new pair of silk dress. You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching all of your games. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone!!
Your Ex-Wife
P.S.: Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
--
Dear Ex-Wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my games so much because they drown-out your constant whining & griping (too bad that doesn't work). I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk dress: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for $10 million, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!!
P.S.: I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born as Carla (woman).........I hope that's not a problem!!
Short Jokes on Life & Marriage
If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the battery from the clock and Enjoy life!
Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like
expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian. Think about it.
Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!
He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim. They said, he who never lived, cannot die!
A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!
So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow sure!
Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!
All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!
Just remove the battery from the clock and Enjoy life!
Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like
expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian. Think about it.
Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!
He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim. They said, he who never lived, cannot die!
A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!
So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow sure!
Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!
All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!
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