Q. What is the difference between a woman and a man?
A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants
every woman to satisfy his one need.
21 May 2009
Little Johnny Prayer
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six year-old son,
Johnny, and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?".
"I wouldn't know what to say," Little Johnny replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said.
Little Johnny bowed his head and said,
"Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Johnny, and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?".
"I wouldn't know what to say," Little Johnny replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said.
Little Johnny bowed his head and said,
"Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
LIttle Johnny The Animal Game
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand.
The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"Sally holds up her hand and
asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes
on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?". Still no one guesses.
"Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a hor*y b******."
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand.
The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"Sally holds up her hand and
asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes
on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?". Still no one guesses.
"Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a hor*y b******."
Little Johnny Composition
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
Why Dogs are better than Women
Why Dogs are better than Women
(NO OFFENCE GIRLS/LADIES - JUST A JOKE)
• Dogs don't cry.
• Dogs love it when your friends come over.
• Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
• Dogs think you sing great.
• A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
• Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
• The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
• Dogs are excited by rough play.
• Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
• Dogs understand that farts are funny.
• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
• Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
• If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
• Dogs don't shop.
• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
• A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
• Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
• A dog's parents never visit.
• Dogs love long car trips.
• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions
(NO OFFENCE GIRLS/LADIES - JUST A JOKE)
• Dogs don't cry.
• Dogs love it when your friends come over.
• Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
• Dogs think you sing great.
• A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
• Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
• The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
• Dogs are excited by rough play.
• Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
• Dogs understand that farts are funny.
• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
• Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
• If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
• Dogs don't shop.
• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
• A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
• Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
• A dog's parents never visit.
• Dogs love long car trips.
• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions
Little Johnny's A B C D , , ,
A B C D....
One day little Johnny he had to go to the bathroom so he raised his hand and asked the teacher "can I go to the bathroom." she said no.
Then 5 mins later he raised his hand and said "damit I have to piss can I go to the bathroom."She said "no not with that mouth."She said now go to the corner and say your a,b,c's.frontwords and backwords
He went to the corner and said "a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z"
Then he said "z,y,x,w,v,u,t,s,r,q,o,n,m,l,k,j,i,h,g,f,e,d,c,b,a"
Then she said "Where is the p."
Lil Johny said "Running down my leg."
One day little Johnny he had to go to the bathroom so he raised his hand and asked the teacher "can I go to the bathroom." she said no.
Then 5 mins later he raised his hand and said "damit I have to piss can I go to the bathroom."She said "no not with that mouth."She said now go to the corner and say your a,b,c's.frontwords and backwords
He went to the corner and said "a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z"
Then he said "z,y,x,w,v,u,t,s,r,q,o,n,m,l,k,j,i,h,g,f,e,d,c,b,a"
Then she said "Where is the p."
Lil Johny said "Running down my leg."
Little Johnny Year End Gifts
It was the end of the school year and the students were giving their teacher gifts. The teacher knew the profession od the kids' parents so she would guess what they got her.
The florists daughter gave her a box, she put it over her head and shook it. "Are they flowers?" asked the teacher, the student replied, "how did you know?"
Then the candyshop son came with a box, she pur it over her head and said "Is it candy?" The student said "how'd you know!!"
Then the liquor store owner's son, Johnny, came and the teacher saw the box leaking. She put her tounge on it and sucked the juice and said "Is it wine?"
Johnny shook his head.Then she licked it again, "Vodka?"
Johnny replied "Nuh-uhn! It's a puppy!!!"
The florists daughter gave her a box, she put it over her head and shook it. "Are they flowers?" asked the teacher, the student replied, "how did you know?"
Then the candyshop son came with a box, she pur it over her head and said "Is it candy?" The student said "how'd you know!!"
Then the liquor store owner's son, Johnny, came and the teacher saw the box leaking. She put her tounge on it and sucked the juice and said "Is it wine?"
Johnny shook his head.Then she licked it again, "Vodka?"
Johnny replied "Nuh-uhn! It's a puppy!!!"
Detective Training
A policeman was testing 3 brothers who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the
first brother a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first brother answers, "That's
easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh... that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second brother and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second brother smiles and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds,
"What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third brother and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The brother looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he
really
doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office,
checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the third brother replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the
first brother a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first brother answers, "That's
easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh... that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second brother and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second brother smiles and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds,
"What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third brother and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The brother looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he
really
doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office,
checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the third brother replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Engineers Can Do Anything
Question: We know that 2/10=0.2
BUT
Prove that 2/10=2
Answer : Normal college students insist Question is "OUT of Syllabus".
BUT
Engineering Students replied:
2=two,
10=ten.
therefore Two/Ten = Two/Ten = wo/en.
w=23,
o=15,
e=5,
n=14.
therefore
w+o=23+15=38
&
e+n=5+14=19
Therefore wo/en=38/19=2.
Hence Proved
BUT
Prove that 2/10=2
Answer : Normal college students insist Question is "OUT of Syllabus".
BUT
Engineering Students replied:
2=two,
10=ten.
therefore Two/Ten = Two/Ten = wo/en.
w=23,
o=15,
e=5,
n=14.
therefore
w+o=23+15=38
&
e+n=5+14=19
Therefore wo/en=38/19=2.
Hence Proved
19 May 2009
Ah Beng In Europe
Ah Beng went to Europe for business trip.
One day after settling all his paper work, he goes to Hotel Lounge for a drink.
He sat in between 2 Ang Moh.
Ang moh on his right tells the bartender, “Johnny Walker, Single.”
The Bartender nods, n return with single shot of Johnny Walker.
Then the Ang moh on his left tells bartender, “Jack Daniel, Single”
The Bartender again sent a single shot of Jack Daniel.
Finally, the bartender turns to Ah Beng: “And you, Sir?”
Ah Beng: “ Tan Ah Beng, Married”
One day after settling all his paper work, he goes to Hotel Lounge for a drink.
He sat in between 2 Ang Moh.
Ang moh on his right tells the bartender, “Johnny Walker, Single.”
The Bartender nods, n return with single shot of Johnny Walker.
Then the Ang moh on his left tells bartender, “Jack Daniel, Single”
The Bartender again sent a single shot of Jack Daniel.
Finally, the bartender turns to Ah Beng: “And you, Sir?”
Ah Beng: “ Tan Ah Beng, Married”
Financial Planning
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men
30 Things Guys Wants Girls To Know!
1. We're not as perverted as you think we all are.
2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a LOSER.
3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
5. Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.
6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.
7. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
8. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more.
9. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
10. We never shave our legs. So get over it.
11. NEVER ask us if you can put makeup on us. It's just wrong............
12. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't.
13. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.
14. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, 98 Degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
15. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.
16. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
18. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.
19. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.
20. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say". That's just mean.
21. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.
22. Pamela Anderson's b***s aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway.
23. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship.
24. PMS is not an excuse.
25. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done.
26............ Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.
27. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach..... and maybe....oh nevermind.
28. NEVER ask us to kiss other guys. You might be that comfy with your friends, but to us it's just wrong.
29. We always notice how funny it is after your rip out our heart, stick it down our throat and still want to be friends.
30. And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway
2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a LOSER.
3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
5. Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.
6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.
7. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
8. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more.
9. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
10. We never shave our legs. So get over it.
11. NEVER ask us if you can put makeup on us. It's just wrong............
12. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't.
13. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.
14. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, 98 Degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
15. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.
16. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
18. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.
19. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.
20. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say". That's just mean.
21. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.
22. Pamela Anderson's b***s aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway.
23. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship.
24. PMS is not an excuse.
25. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done.
26............ Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.
27. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach..... and maybe....oh nevermind.
28. NEVER ask us to kiss other guys. You might be that comfy with your friends, but to us it's just wrong.
29. We always notice how funny it is after your rip out our heart, stick it down our throat and still want to be friends.
30. And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway
How the Stock Market Works
It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their
New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern
society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the
National Weather Service and asked 'Is
the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is Going to
be quite cold indeed,' the weather man Responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect
even more Wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service
again replied, 'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to
be very cold?'
'Absolutely, ' The Man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest
winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red
Indians are collecting wood like Crazy..'
This is how stock markets work !!!
New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern
society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the
National Weather Service and asked 'Is
the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is Going to
be quite cold indeed,' the weather man Responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect
even more Wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service
again replied, 'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to
be very cold?'
'Absolutely, ' The Man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest
winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red
Indians are collecting wood like Crazy..'
This is how stock markets work !!!
The Devoted Wife
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times."
"When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side."
"You know what?"
"What, dear?" his wife asked gently.
"I think you are bad luck."
When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times."
"When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side."
"You know what?"
"What, dear?" his wife asked gently.
"I think you are bad luck."
Why girls are better than boys?
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.
3. We never ejaculate prematurely.
4. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
5. When we buy a vibrator it's glamorous. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic.
6. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
7. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
8. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
9. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
10. Taxis stop for us.
11. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
12. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
13. Free drinks, free dinners, free moving (you get the point?).
14. We can hug our friend without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
15. We know the truth about whether size matters.
16. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
17. If we have sex with someone and don't call the next day, we're not the devil.
18. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.
19. We can sleep our way to the top.
20. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
21. It is possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
22. No fashion faux pas we make could rival Speedos.
23. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.
24. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected.
25. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
26. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
27. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her arse.
28. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
29. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
30. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
31. We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
32. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
33. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
34. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
35. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
36. Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
37. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
38. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.
3. We never ejaculate prematurely.
4. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
5. When we buy a vibrator it's glamorous. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic.
6. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
7. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
8. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
9. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
10. Taxis stop for us.
11. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
12. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
13. Free drinks, free dinners, free moving (you get the point?).
14. We can hug our friend without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
15. We know the truth about whether size matters.
16. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
17. If we have sex with someone and don't call the next day, we're not the devil.
18. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.
19. We can sleep our way to the top.
20. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
21. It is possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
22. No fashion faux pas we make could rival Speedos.
23. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.
24. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected.
25. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
26. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
27. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her arse.
28. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
29. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
30. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
31. We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
32. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
33. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
34. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
35. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
36. Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
37. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
38. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
George Bush in a School
George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech.
After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
"Bob".
"And what is your question, Bob?"
"I have 3 questions. First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes? And
Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?
Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts up his hand . George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have 5 questions. First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the
support of the UN? Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?! And
Fifth, Where is "Bob"? !!
After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
"Bob".
"And what is your question, Bob?"
"I have 3 questions. First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes? And
Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?
Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts up his hand . George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have 5 questions. First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the
support of the UN? Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?! And
Fifth, Where is "Bob"? !!
18 May 2009
Blonde and the Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
Blonde at the Electrical Store
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
The Blonde Flight Attendant
An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
One Liner : Pokemon in the Bathroom
Q: Why should you not take a Pokemon into the bathroom with you?
A: Because it might Pikachu.
A: Because it might Pikachu.
15 May 2009
Pay Attention when your Boss is Talking
Always, and we do mean ALWAYS .... Pay attention to your Boss when she's talking to you!
Check out this cute video!!
Check out this cute video!!
New Ah Beng Jokes
Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'
- - - - - - -
Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend : Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng : No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
- - - - - - -
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR : Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
- - - - - - -
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife : No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
- - - - - - -
Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife : How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, "Oh GOD! U have come again."
- - - - - - -
Ah Beng complained to the police:
'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.'
Police : 'How the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'
- - - - - - -
Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'. He writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for complement.'
How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other. So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
- - - - - - -
Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'
- - - - - - -
Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man : This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng : If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?
- - - - - - -
Teacher : 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'
- - - - - - -
Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant : 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go..'
- - - - - - -
A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the evening and not in the morning. Ah Beng replied, "Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM ma!"
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'
- - - - - - -
Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend : Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng : No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
- - - - - - -
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR : Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
- - - - - - -
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife : No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
- - - - - - -
Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife : How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, "Oh GOD! U have come again."
- - - - - - -
Ah Beng complained to the police:
'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.'
Police : 'How the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'
- - - - - - -
Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'. He writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for complement.'
How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other. So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
- - - - - - -
Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'
- - - - - - -
Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man : This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng : If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?
- - - - - - -
Teacher : 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'
- - - - - - -
Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant : 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go..'
- - - - - - -
A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the evening and not in the morning. Ah Beng replied, "Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM ma!"
Differences between Wife & Girlfriend
Wife is a HARIMAU, girlfriend is HARI HARI MAU
- - - - - - -
And some say: Wife is like TV, girlfriend is like Hand phone (HP)
At home watch TV, go out bring HP.
No money, sell TV. Got money change HP.
Sometimes enjoy TV, but most of the time play with HP.
TV free for life but HP, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated
TV is big, bulky and most of the time old,
but hand phone is cute, slim, curvy and very portable at any time.
Operational cost for TV is often acceptable,
but for HP is high and often demanding.
Most important, TV got remote but HP don't have..
Last but not least,
TV do not have virus, but HP yes.. have VIRUS, once get it, HABIS LA....
so better choose TV
Upgrade to LCD or Plasma TV (Slim and Chun)
Less maintenance too especially they are easy on the electricity bills.
Is good to be safe than sorry.
- - - - - - -
And some say: Wife is like TV, girlfriend is like Hand phone (HP)
At home watch TV, go out bring HP.
No money, sell TV. Got money change HP.
Sometimes enjoy TV, but most of the time play with HP.
TV free for life but HP, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated
TV is big, bulky and most of the time old,
but hand phone is cute, slim, curvy and very portable at any time.
Operational cost for TV is often acceptable,
but for HP is high and often demanding.
Most important, TV got remote but HP don't have..
Last but not least,
TV do not have virus, but HP yes.. have VIRUS, once get it, HABIS LA....
so better choose TV
Upgrade to LCD or Plasma TV (Slim and Chun)
Less maintenance too especially they are easy on the electricity bills.
Is good to be safe than sorry.
One Liners : When Pigs Fly
They once said that a black man would be president when pigs fly.
Obama's first 100 days and wham!! . . . . . Pig's flu!
Obama's first 100 days and wham!! . . . . . Pig's flu!
One Liners : Swine Flu
" If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu. Ignore it...... It's just spam. "
14 May 2009
Mother In Law Jokes
Q: What is the worst thing an emergency doctor can tell you after admitting your MIL?
A: Sir, we were able to save her!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my MIL." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I was out shopping the other day when I saw six women beating my MIL up. As I stood there and watched, her neighbor, who knew me, said, "Well, aren't you going to help?" I replied, "No. Six of them is enough".
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: What do you do if you miss your MIL??
A: RELOAD, AND TRY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My MIL is an angel." His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: How do you stop your MIL from drowning?
A: Take your foot off her head.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my MIL, and I wanted to say, "Could you please pass the butter?" "But instead I said, "You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation, and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George, "My friend, the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000 dollars." The Consul continued, "In most of these cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150 dollars". George thinks for some time, and answers the Consul, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back. That's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price between $5,000 and $150 dollars." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem, and on the third day he was resurrected. Consequently, I do not want to take that chance!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Doctor: I'm sorry to say that your MIL had a heart attack.
SIL/DIL: That's impossible!
Doctor: What do mean that's impossible?
SIL/DIL: She can't have a heart attack! She doesn't have a heart!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Adam and Eve were the happiest, and the luckiest, couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I have never made a fool of my MIL.
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Two guys were talking at work. "I've got a problem," said the first one."What is it?""My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And, I am fresh out of ideas. I mean, it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?""What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked."
Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot.""Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.
When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: The difference between outlaws and in-laws?
A: Outlaws are Wanted!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Then there is the joke about the guy who was told by his doctor that he has only 6 months to live. He decides to move in with his mother-in-law, because living with her for 6 months will seem like forever.
A: Sir, we were able to save her!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my MIL." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I was out shopping the other day when I saw six women beating my MIL up. As I stood there and watched, her neighbor, who knew me, said, "Well, aren't you going to help?" I replied, "No. Six of them is enough".
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: What do you do if you miss your MIL??
A: RELOAD, AND TRY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My MIL is an angel." His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: How do you stop your MIL from drowning?
A: Take your foot off her head.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my MIL, and I wanted to say, "Could you please pass the butter?" "But instead I said, "You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation, and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George, "My friend, the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000 dollars." The Consul continued, "In most of these cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150 dollars". George thinks for some time, and answers the Consul, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back. That's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price between $5,000 and $150 dollars." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem, and on the third day he was resurrected. Consequently, I do not want to take that chance!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Doctor: I'm sorry to say that your MIL had a heart attack.
SIL/DIL: That's impossible!
Doctor: What do mean that's impossible?
SIL/DIL: She can't have a heart attack! She doesn't have a heart!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Adam and Eve were the happiest, and the luckiest, couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.
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Q: How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her
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I have never made a fool of my MIL.
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.
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Two guys were talking at work. "I've got a problem," said the first one."What is it?""My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And, I am fresh out of ideas. I mean, it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?""What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked."
Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot.""Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.
When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"
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Q: The difference between outlaws and in-laws?
A: Outlaws are Wanted!!
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Then there is the joke about the guy who was told by his doctor that he has only 6 months to live. He decides to move in with his mother-in-law, because living with her for 6 months will seem like forever.
The Best Man you won't want to have
Watch this video and see how the Best Man completely ruins the wedding!
Its a Riot!
Its a Riot!
Why are there Idiots?
Here are 8 idiots the world might do without . . ..
But then who could we laugh at ... ?
Watch the video and you'll agree!
But then who could we laugh at ... ?
Watch the video and you'll agree!
Confessions of a Kid
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.Thank you.
Your friend
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.
Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
Letter 4
God,I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.
Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!!!!!
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.Thank you.
Your friend
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.
Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
Letter 4
God,I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.
Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!!!!!
12 May 2009
Quote Of The Day
Whatever you dive a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you giver her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit!
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you giver her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit!
Satan In the Church
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.''Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.'
Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.'
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?
'The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.
God created Man First
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece !
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Who Does What?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'
The Creation of Man & Woman
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain... God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain... God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you
Wife vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word..
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
Cigarettes and Tampons
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, ' You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
Understanding Women
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider!!!
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider!!!
Women's Revenge
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked..
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked..
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
A Woman's Perfect Breakfast
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week..
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week..
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
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