The Hotel Bill
A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne .
After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for $450..00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the
clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.
When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available
for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on
to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is
famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas
perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again..
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! the man replies, 'But we didn't
use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he says,
'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!
30 September 2009
Marriage Jokes
Police arrested a drunkard & askd: Where r u going?
Man: I'm going 2 listen lecture on ill effects of drinking.
Cop: Who'll lecture at midnight ?
Man: My wife...
***************************************************
Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.
***************************************************
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
***************************************************
Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
***************************************************
Wats the diff between Complete & Finished?
If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished.
***************************************************
So many options: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a
building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow and sure!
***************************************************
Have u heard about the man who threw his wife into a pond of crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the animal rights for being cruel to the crocodiles.
***************************************************
Two men r talking. 1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.
2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons
***************************************************
Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me?
Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.
Man: I'm going 2 listen lecture on ill effects of drinking.
Cop: Who'll lecture at midnight ?
Man: My wife...
***************************************************
Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.
***************************************************
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
***************************************************
Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
***************************************************
Wats the diff between Complete & Finished?
If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished.
***************************************************
So many options: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a
building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow and sure!
***************************************************
Have u heard about the man who threw his wife into a pond of crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the animal rights for being cruel to the crocodiles.
***************************************************
Two men r talking. 1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.
2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons
***************************************************
Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me?
Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.
How would you Title this Photo?
Study the picture for 12 seconds
And think about how you'd title it
Scroll down to winning entry:
Scroll
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
This was the Winning Entry !!
Heart Surgeon's Funeral
Heart Surgeon's Funeral
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral,his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their goodbyes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again..
It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist..
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister? "
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied,
"I'm a gynecologist..."
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral,his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their goodbyes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again..
It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist..
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister? "
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied,
"I'm a gynecologist..."
The Dangerous Indian Hell
The Dangerous Indian Hell
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!
29 September 2009
One Liner Phone Jokes
Q: What do you call a girl who never picks up her phone?
A: Miss call!
Q: What would her favourite phone be?
A: The iphone, because "You miss call me iphone you back!"
A: Miss call!
Q: What would her favourite phone be?
A: The iphone, because "You miss call me iphone you back!"
The Loyal Wife
The Loyal Wife
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the "after-life" with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died .....
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled
it away.
Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there in the casket with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?'
'I sure did' said the wife.
'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'
Moral of the story: *Women are cleverer than Men* .........
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the "after-life" with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died .....
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled
it away.
Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there in the casket with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?'
'I sure did' said the wife.
'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'
Moral of the story: *Women are cleverer than Men* .........
Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss
Employees of a Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in loud discussions during office time.....
Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"
They're asking for $10,000 ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire.
We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."
One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"About 1 litre."
Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"
They're asking for $10,000 ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire.
We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."
One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"About 1 litre."
28 September 2009
Signs you can tell it will be a rough day ahead...
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backward and it fits better.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
Your blind date turns out to be your wife.
You see a "Aaj Tak" news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night, and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the interstate.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
Your income tax check bounces.
You put both contacts lenses in the same eye.
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill," and your name is George.
You put your bra on backward and it fits better.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
Your blind date turns out to be your wife.
You see a "Aaj Tak" news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night, and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the interstate.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
Your income tax check bounces.
You put both contacts lenses in the same eye.
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill," and your name is George.
How to take care of your wife
How to take care of your wife:
In the world, one single rule applies to the men: Make the Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
-- You make the bed (+1)
-- You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
-- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
-- You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
-- In the rain (+8)
-- But return with Beer (-5)
-- You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
-- You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
-- You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
-- You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
-- It's her pet (-10)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
-- You stay by her side the entire party (0)
-- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
-- Named Tina (-4)
-- Tina is a dancer (-10)
HER BIRTHDAY
-- You take her out to dinner (0)
-- You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
-- Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
-- And it's all-you-can- eat night (-3)
-- It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can- eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
-- You take her to a movie (+2)
-- You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
-- You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
-- You take her to a movie you like (-2)
-- It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
-- You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
-- You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
-- She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
-- You hesitate in responding (-10)
-- You reply, "Where?" (-35)
-- Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
-- When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned _____expression (0)
-- You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
-- You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
-- She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
In the world, one single rule applies to the men: Make the Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
-- You make the bed (+1)
-- You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
-- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
-- You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
-- In the rain (+8)
-- But return with Beer (-5)
-- You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
-- You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
-- You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
-- You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
-- It's her pet (-10)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
-- You stay by her side the entire party (0)
-- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
-- Named Tina (-4)
-- Tina is a dancer (-10)
HER BIRTHDAY
-- You take her out to dinner (0)
-- You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
-- Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
-- And it's all-you-can- eat night (-3)
-- It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can- eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
-- You take her to a movie (+2)
-- You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
-- You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
-- You take her to a movie you like (-2)
-- It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
-- You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
-- You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
-- She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
-- You hesitate in responding (-10)
-- You reply, "Where?" (-35)
-- Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
-- When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned _____expression (0)
-- You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
-- You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
-- She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
Missing Husband Report
Missing Husband Report
A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband:
Lady: I lost my Husband
Inspector: What is his height
Lady: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Lady: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes
Lady: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair
Lady: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was he wearing
Lady: Suit/casuals I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him..????
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together….
And the lady started crying…..
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first..!!!!
A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband:
Lady: I lost my Husband
Inspector: What is his height
Lady: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Lady: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes
Lady: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair
Lady: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was he wearing
Lady: Suit/casuals I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him..????
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together….
And the lady started crying…..
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first..!!!!
The Bathtub Test
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted to the hospital.'
'Well,' said the Director, 'We fill up a bathtub, and then we give a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'No.' Said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the drain plug.
Well... Would you prefer a bed near the window?'
During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted to the hospital.'
'Well,' said the Director, 'We fill up a bathtub, and then we give a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'No.' Said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the drain plug.
Well... Would you prefer a bed near the window?'
Elderly Couple
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".
24 September 2009
Bubble in the Bath Tub
A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the
first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to Introduce
themselves with name and hobby. She said, "Let's start with the boys
first". Boys start giving their intro...
First boy: "My name is Johnny, and my hobby is to see bubble in the
Bathtub".
Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next".
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next".
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next".
This continues...
And the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see Bubble in the bathtub".
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long.
Anyway, now the girls please."
First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds".
Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next".
Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes".
Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next.
You sweet Girl;
Yes you..."
Most beautiful and the Cutest Girl in the class gets up:
"Maam, my name is Bubble, and My hobby is to take bath three times a day".
first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to Introduce
themselves with name and hobby. She said, "Let's start with the boys
first". Boys start giving their intro...
First boy: "My name is Johnny, and my hobby is to see bubble in the
Bathtub".
Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next".
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next".
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next".
This continues...
And the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see Bubble in the bathtub".
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long.
Anyway, now the girls please."
First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds".
Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next".
Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes".
Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next.
You sweet Girl;
Yes you..."
Most beautiful and the Cutest Girl in the class gets up:
"Maam, my name is Bubble, and My hobby is to take bath three times a day".
Can you sell a dead donkey?
Can you sell a dead donkey?
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night."
Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey.."
The farmer asked: "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: To raffle is to sell a thing by lottery - draw lot - to a group of people each paying the same amount for a ticket)
Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night."
Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey.."
The farmer asked: "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: To raffle is to sell a thing by lottery - draw lot - to a group of people each paying the same amount for a ticket)
Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
A C code that really works (esp for Techies)
This entry is the Obfuscated C Contest, is a true classic.
Ignoring that fact that it's a C program that actually compiles & runs, the source code is in the form of a hilarious conversation between a man & a woman.
char*lie;
double time, me= !0XFACE,
not; int rested, get, out;
main(ly, die) char ly, **die ;{
signed char lotte,
dear; (char)lotte--;
for(get= !me;; not){
1 - out & out ;lie;{
char lotte, my= dear,
**let= !!me *!not+ ++die;
(char*)(lie=
"The gloves are OFF this time, I detest you, snot\n\0sed GEEK!");
do {not= *lie++ & 0xF00L* !me;
#define love (char*)lie -
love 1s *!(not= atoi(let
[get -me?
(char)lotte-
(char)lotte: my- *love -
'I' - *love - 'U' -
'I' - (long) - 4 - 'U' ])- !!
(time =out= 'a'));} while( my - dear
&& 'I'-1l -get- 'a'); break;}}
(char)*lie++;
(char)*lie++, (char)*lie++; hell:0, (char)*lie;
get *out* (short)ly -0-'R'- get- 'a'^rested;
do {auto*eroticism,
that; puts(*( out
- 'c'
-('P'-'S') +die+ -2 ));}while(!"you're at it");
for (*((char*)&lotte)^=
(char)lotte; (love ly) [(char)++lotte+
!!0xBABE];){ if ('I' -lie[ 2 +(char)lotte]){ 'I'-1l ***die; }
else{ if ('I' * get *out* ('I'-1l **die[ 2 ])) *((char*)&lotte) -=
'4' - ('I'-1l); not; for(get=!
get; !out; (char)*lie & 0xD0- !not) return!!
(char)lotte;}
(char)lotte;
do{ not* putchar(lie [out
*!not* !!me +(char)lotte]);
not; for(;!'a';);}while(
love (char*)lie);{
register this; switch( (char)lie
[(char)lotte] -1s *!out) {
char*les, get= 0xFF, my; case' ':
*((char*)&lotte) += 15; !not +(char)*lie*'s';
this +1s+ not; default: 0xF +(char*)lie;}}}
get - !out;
if (not--)
goto hell;
exit( (char)lotte);}
Ignoring that fact that it's a C program that actually compiles & runs, the source code is in the form of a hilarious conversation between a man & a woman.
char*lie;
double time, me= !0XFACE,
not; int rested, get, out;
main(ly, die) char ly, **die ;{
signed char lotte,
dear; (char)lotte--;
for(get= !me;; not){
1 - out & out ;lie;{
char lotte, my= dear,
**let= !!me *!not+ ++die;
(char*)(lie=
"The gloves are OFF this time, I detest you, snot\n\0sed GEEK!");
do {not= *lie++ & 0xF00L* !me;
#define love (char*)lie -
love 1s *!(not= atoi(let
[get -me?
(char)lotte-
(char)lotte: my- *love -
'I' - *love - 'U' -
'I' - (long) - 4 - 'U' ])- !!
(time =out= 'a'));} while( my - dear
&& 'I'-1l -get- 'a'); break;}}
(char)*lie++;
(char)*lie++, (char)*lie++; hell:0, (char)*lie;
get *out* (short)ly -0-'R'- get- 'a'^rested;
do {auto*eroticism,
that; puts(*( out
- 'c'
-('P'-'S') +die+ -2 ));}while(!"you're at it");
for (*((char*)&lotte)^=
(char)lotte; (love ly) [(char)++lotte+
!!0xBABE];){ if ('I' -lie[ 2 +(char)lotte]){ 'I'-1l ***die; }
else{ if ('I' * get *out* ('I'-1l **die[ 2 ])) *((char*)&lotte) -=
'4' - ('I'-1l); not; for(get=!
get; !out; (char)*lie & 0xD0- !not) return!!
(char)lotte;}
(char)lotte;
do{ not* putchar(lie [out
*!not* !!me +(char)lotte]);
not; for(;!'a';);}while(
love (char*)lie);{
register this; switch( (char)lie
[(char)lotte] -1s *!out) {
char*les, get= 0xFF, my; case' ':
*((char*)&lotte) += 15; !not +(char)*lie*'s';
this +1s+ not; default: 0xF +(char*)lie;}}}
get - !out;
if (not--)
goto hell;
exit( (char)lotte);}
.... still Women Likes Man
Men are like computers “ hard to figure out and never have enough memory Still Women likes man
Men are like coolers “ load them with beer and you can take them anywhere Still Women likes man
Men are like chocolate bars “ sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips Still Women likes man
Men are like coffee “ the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night Still Women likes man
Men are like horoscopes “ they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong Still Women likes man
Men are like cement “ after getting laid they take a long time to get hard Still Women likes man
Men are like laxatives “ they irritate the shit out of you Still Women likes man
Men are like parking spots “ the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped Still Women likes man
A man is like a snowstorm “ you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last Still Women likes man
What should you give a man who has everything? “ A woman to show him how to work it Still Women likes man
How does a man show he's planning for the future? “ He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Still Women likes man
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? “ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Still Women likes man
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? “ They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half the time. Still Women likes man
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? “ After a year the dog is still excited to see you. Still Women likes man
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? “ Breasts don't have eyes. Still Women likes man
What's the difference between men and government bonds? “ Bonds mature Still Women likes man
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? “ We don't know, it's never happened Still Women likes man
Why are men like tile floors? “ If you lay ' em properly the first time, you can walk over them for years. Still Women likes man
What do you call a man with half a brain? “ Gifted. Still Women likes man
AND FINALLY ¦¦ Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? “ Because these men already have boyfriends! Still Women likes man
Men are like coolers “ load them with beer and you can take them anywhere Still Women likes man
Men are like chocolate bars “ sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips Still Women likes man
Men are like coffee “ the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night Still Women likes man
Men are like horoscopes “ they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong Still Women likes man
Men are like cement “ after getting laid they take a long time to get hard Still Women likes man
Men are like laxatives “ they irritate the shit out of you Still Women likes man
Men are like parking spots “ the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped Still Women likes man
A man is like a snowstorm “ you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last Still Women likes man
What should you give a man who has everything? “ A woman to show him how to work it Still Women likes man
How does a man show he's planning for the future? “ He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Still Women likes man
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? “ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Still Women likes man
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? “ They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half the time. Still Women likes man
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? “ After a year the dog is still excited to see you. Still Women likes man
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? “ Breasts don't have eyes. Still Women likes man
What's the difference between men and government bonds? “ Bonds mature Still Women likes man
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? “ We don't know, it's never happened Still Women likes man
Why are men like tile floors? “ If you lay ' em properly the first time, you can walk over them for years. Still Women likes man
What do you call a man with half a brain? “ Gifted. Still Women likes man
AND FINALLY ¦¦ Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? “ Because these men already have boyfriends! Still Women likes man
Best Lawyer Story of the Year
BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY
Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued.. and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from
the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART..
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON (Arson is the crime of deliberately and maliciously setting fire to structures or wildland areas.) With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN America!
Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued.. and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from
the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART..
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON (Arson is the crime of deliberately and maliciously setting fire to structures or wildland areas.) With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN America!
10 September 2009
Senior Citizens are the Nation's Leading Carriers of AIDS!
SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Men Are Honourable
"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE, You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and men're sticking to it! - "MEN ARE HONOURABLE !!!!!!"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE, You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and men're sticking to it! - "MEN ARE HONOURABLE !!!!!!"
09 September 2009
I e-meow U, U e-meow me
Dear Ah Lian
Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything? For me, I am quiet find.
You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look? Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly.
You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok.
Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright.
Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family.
I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free to call me. Goo bye.....
Worm regard,
Ah Beng
Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything? For me, I am quiet find.
You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look? Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly.
You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok.
Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright.
Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family.
I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free to call me. Goo bye.....
Worm regard,
Ah Beng
08 September 2009
Happily Married
Jokes for the Happily Married
* They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true. As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.
* Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.
* Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
* Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.
* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
* Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
* Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
* Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
* They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true. As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.
* Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.
* Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
* Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.
* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
* Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
* Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
* Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
07 September 2009
3 Great Lessons of Life - The Turtle, The Frogs & The Pretty Lady
We learn a lot through our experiences in life. The following 3 examples of TURTLES, FROGS and THE PRETTY LADY teach us some lesson. Enjoy reading the same and do ponder over them.
*************************************************************************************************************************************
The Turtles
A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. The turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outing. Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of their journey they found a place ideal for them at last!
For about six months they cleaned the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements. Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left.
Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned. Five years...six years... then on the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and begun to unwrap a sandwich. At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, 'See! I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt.'
[Some of us waste our time waiting for people to live up to our expectations. We are so concerned about what others are doing that we
do not do anything ourselves.]
********************************************************************************************
The Frogs
A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs. The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, 'There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - millions of them. They all croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy!' So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks.
The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, 'Well... where are all the frogs?' The farmer said, 'I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!'
[ Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember, it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also remember that problems always seem bigger in the dark. Have you ever laid in your bed at night worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming like a million frogs croaking? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.]
********************************************************************************************
The Pretty Lady
Once upon a time a big monk and a little monk were traveling together. They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge was damaged. They had to wade across the river. There was a pretty lady who was stuck at the damaged bridge and couldn't cross the river.
The big monk offered to carry her across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk. 'How can big brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?' thought the little monk. But he kept
quiet.. The big monk carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily.
When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her.
All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk. He was making up all kinds of accusations about big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the big monk had no inclination to explain his situation.
Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the little monk could not stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the big monk. 'How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite
The big monk looked surprised and said, 'I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?'
[This very old Chinese Zen story reflects the thinking of many people today. We encounter many unpleasant things in our life, they irritate us and they make us angry. Sometimes, they cause us a lot of hurt, sometimes they cause us to be bitter or jealous .. But like the little monk, we are not willing to let them go away.We keep on carrying the baggage of the 'pretty lady' with us. We let them keep on coming back to hurt us, make us angry, make us bitter and cause us a lot of agony.Why? Simply because we are not willing to put down or let go of the baggage of the 'pretty lady'. We should let go of the pretty lady immediately after crossing the river. This will immediately remove all our agonies.There is no need to be further hurt by the unpleasant event after it is over.]
*************************************************************************************************************************************
The Turtles
A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. The turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outing. Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of their journey they found a place ideal for them at last!
For about six months they cleaned the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements. Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left.
Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned. Five years...six years... then on the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and begun to unwrap a sandwich. At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, 'See! I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt.'
[Some of us waste our time waiting for people to live up to our expectations. We are so concerned about what others are doing that we
do not do anything ourselves.]
********************************************************************************************
The Frogs
A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs. The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, 'There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - millions of them. They all croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy!' So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks.
The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, 'Well... where are all the frogs?' The farmer said, 'I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!'
[ Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember, it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also remember that problems always seem bigger in the dark. Have you ever laid in your bed at night worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming like a million frogs croaking? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.]
********************************************************************************************
The Pretty Lady
Once upon a time a big monk and a little monk were traveling together. They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge was damaged. They had to wade across the river. There was a pretty lady who was stuck at the damaged bridge and couldn't cross the river.
The big monk offered to carry her across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk. 'How can big brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?' thought the little monk. But he kept
quiet.. The big monk carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily.
When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her.
All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk. He was making up all kinds of accusations about big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the big monk had no inclination to explain his situation.
Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the little monk could not stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the big monk. 'How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite
The big monk looked surprised and said, 'I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?'
[This very old Chinese Zen story reflects the thinking of many people today. We encounter many unpleasant things in our life, they irritate us and they make us angry. Sometimes, they cause us a lot of hurt, sometimes they cause us to be bitter or jealous .. But like the little monk, we are not willing to let them go away.We keep on carrying the baggage of the 'pretty lady' with us. We let them keep on coming back to hurt us, make us angry, make us bitter and cause us a lot of agony.Why? Simply because we are not willing to put down or let go of the baggage of the 'pretty lady'. We should let go of the pretty lady immediately after crossing the river. This will immediately remove all our agonies.There is no need to be further hurt by the unpleasant event after it is over.]
Test for Idiocy
Below are four questions and a bonus question.... .
You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!!
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutel! y wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first one, OK ?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 ..
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....... .
....Maybe..
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the ! name of the fifth daughter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
I may have sent this one before. I! 'm never sure.
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple...... Like you!
You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!!
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutel! y wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first one, OK ?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 ..
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....... .
....Maybe..
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the ! name of the fifth daughter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
I may have sent this one before. I! 'm never sure.
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple...... Like you!
How to Clean the House using your Computer?
HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE USING YOUR COMPUTER
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2 Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. All done. Feel better? THIS SAYS IT ALL:
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2 Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. All done. Feel better? THIS SAYS IT ALL:
05 September 2009
The Power of MSN (Technology)
This is a cute video displaying the power of speed, efficiency of Windows MSN.
Check it out!!
Check it out!!
04 September 2009
Small Town Trial
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; " Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair ."
He approached her and asked; " Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair ."
Michael Jackson's Funeral
Govt of USA has released a statement -
Michael Jackson cannot be cremated as its against Emission Laws
He is 80% plastic,so he must be RECYCLED!
Michael Jackson cannot be cremated as its against Emission Laws
He is 80% plastic,so he must be RECYCLED!
Truth of being a Hotelier
The truth of being a MALAYSIAN HOTELIER
1. You work very late ...
.. Just like prostitutes.
2. They pay you to make the client happy...
.. Just like a prostitute.
3. The client pays a lot of money, but your employer keeps almost every cent ..
.. Just like a prostitute.
4. You are rewarded for fulfilling the client's dreams...
.. Just like a prostitute.
5. Your friendships fall apart and you end up hanging out with people in the
same profession as you...
.. Just like a prostitute.
6. When you have to meet the client you always have to be perfectly groomed..
.. Just like a prostitute.
7. But when you go back home it seems like you are coming back from hell...
.. Just like a prostitute.
8. The client always wants to pay less but expects incredible things from you...
.. Just like a prostitute.
9. When people ask you about your job, you have difficulties to explain it......
.. Just like a prostitute.
10. Everyday when you wake up, you say: "I'm not going to spend the rest of my
life doing this."
.. Just like a prostitute.
1. You work very late ...
.. Just like prostitutes.
2. They pay you to make the client happy...
.. Just like a prostitute.
3. The client pays a lot of money, but your employer keeps almost every cent ..
.. Just like a prostitute.
4. You are rewarded for fulfilling the client's dreams...
.. Just like a prostitute.
5. Your friendships fall apart and you end up hanging out with people in the
same profession as you...
.. Just like a prostitute.
6. When you have to meet the client you always have to be perfectly groomed..
.. Just like a prostitute.
7. But when you go back home it seems like you are coming back from hell...
.. Just like a prostitute.
8. The client always wants to pay less but expects incredible things from you...
.. Just like a prostitute.
9. When people ask you about your job, you have difficulties to explain it......
.. Just like a prostitute.
10. Everyday when you wake up, you say: "I'm not going to spend the rest of my
life doing this."
.. Just like a prostitute.
Why do you need to watch your kids?
You have to watch this video.
Its always important to keep your children with you when you go out.
Here's the reason why .... if you don't!
Its always important to keep your children with you when you go out.
Here's the reason why .... if you don't!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Related Jokes
