This is why Privacy & Facebook do not go well together!

For those of you on Facebook, becareful what you share online!!

This is why Privacy & Facebook do not go well together!

Near the Institute of Mental Health

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute of mental health).

He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.

When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem.... no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."

Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that" The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"

Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy....... not STUPID!"

How Was I Born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"


The father answers, Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.


Then I set up a date via email with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.


As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little 'Pop-Up' appeared that said

Wife Birthday Present

Wife mentioned to her husband that for her birthday,

She would like something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in four seconds.

She was expecting something like this............

But her husband presented her with something very different...

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Disorder in the American courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are (purportedly) things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Hard to believe some of these - but they are pretty funny.


ATTORNEY: "What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?"
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: "And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: "My name is Susan!"
___________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
WITNESS: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
_____________ _______________________________
ATTORNEY: "Are you sexually active?"
WITNESS: "No, I just lie there."
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?"
WITNESS: "Yes."
ATTORNEY: "And in what way does it affect your memory?"
WITNESS: "I forget."
ATTORNEY: "You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?"
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?"
WITNESS: "We both do."
ATTORNEY: "Voodoo?"
WITNESS: "We do."
ATTORNEY: "You do?
WITNESS: "Yes, voodoo."
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: "Did you actually pass the bar exam?"
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: "The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?"
WITNESS: "He's twenty, much like your IQ."
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
WITNESS: "Are you shitting me?"
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
WITNESS: "Yes."
ATTORNEY: "And what were you doing at that time?"
WITNESS: "Getting laid."
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "She had three children, right?"
WITNESS: "Yes."
ATTORNEY: "How many were boys?"
WITNESS: "None."
ATTORNEY: "Were there any girls?"
WITNESS : "Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?"
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
WITNESS: "By death."
ATTORNEY: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
WITNESS: "Take a guess."
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "Can you describe the individual?"
WITNESS: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
ATTORNEY: "Was this a male or a female?"
WITNESS: "Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male."
_________ ____________________________
ATTORNEY: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
WITNESS: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
WITNESS: "All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight."
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
WITNESS: "Oral."
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
WITNESS: "The autopsy started around 8:30 pm."
ATTORNEY: "And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?"
WITNESS: "If not, he was by the time I finished."
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
WITNESS: "Are you qualified to ask that question?"
_____________ _________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
WITNESS: "No."
ATTORNEY: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
WITNESS: "No."
ATTORNEY: "Did you check for breathing?"
WITNESS: "No."
ATTORNEY: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
WITNESS: "No."
ATTORNEY: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
WITNESS: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
ATTORNEY: "I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?"
WITNESS: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law."

Japanese Magician Walks thru Table

Japanese Magician Walks thru Table Watch this amazing feat.

5 minute - Management Course

5 minute - Management Course


Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, aftera few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining tocredit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing hergown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg..

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, rememberPsalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'


'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I wantto be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, withouta care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.


'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want tobe in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of PinaColadas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.


'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5
A person was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the person, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The person pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the person was proudly perched at the top of the tree..

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lays there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

I'm Blonde and I'm flying to Melbourne

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a Blonde in Economy Class gets up & moves to the First Class section and sits down

The Flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the Blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy
seat.

The Blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'



The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that
there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and
won't move back to her seat.


The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she is only entitled to an Economy seat and she will have to return to her original seat.


The Blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'



Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the Blonde who won't listen to reason.


'You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak
blonde!'


The pilot goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says,

'Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea', gets up and moves back to her seat in Economy.


The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.


The pilot replied, 'I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne'.

Don't Add Your Boss on Facebook

Don't Add Your Boss on Facebook!!

Do you know why you should not?

Check it out below ..... :)

Why are there idiots in the world?

Q: Why are there idiots in the world?

A: To Make us laugh? ha ha ha!!

ME FIRST

And the Surgeon General Says . . .

Diversionary Tactic

Words of Wisdom

A Fortune to Remember

Stay OFF the course ... or else ..

Not My Job Award

Desperate for a World Cup Ticket

Best Google Ad

Best T-Shirt Design

Timotei Ad

Fridge Magnet

Queen of the Blondes

The Man, A Wife and A Dog

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most Unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one About 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man Walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in Single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, And I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral Like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is It?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first One asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Join the queue."

Funny Signages

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."


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In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

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On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit, please back in."

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On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck:

" Don 't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

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On a Church's Bill board:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

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At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

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On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

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At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

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On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

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At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

************** ************

In a Restaurant window:

" Don 't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

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And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak." (And in Texarkana !)

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Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

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World Without Engineers!

World Without Engineers!

Electronics Engineer

Mechanical Engineer




Civil Engineer



Communnication Engineer

Computer Engineer

Aeronautical Engineer

Honda Accord Commerical

If you thought that the people who set up a room full of dominoes to have them knocked over later was amazing, you haven't seen anything yet.

There are no computer graphics or digital tricks in these images. Everything that you see happened in real time exactly as you see it.

The recording required 606 takes and in the first 605 takes there always was something, usually of minor importance, that didn't work. It was necessary for the recording team to install the set-up time after time and it took several weeks, working day and night to achieve this effect.

The recording cost 6 million dollars and it took 3 months to finish, including the engineering design of the sequence.

The duration of the video is only 2 minutes, but every time that Honda shows the commercial on British television, they make enough money to support any of us for the rest of our lives. However, this commercial has turned out to be the most displayed in the history of the Internet.

Honda execs think that it will pay for itself simply because of the free showings (Honda is not paying one cent for you to see it) When Honda senior execs viewed it, they immediately approved it without hesitation-including costs.

There are only six Honda Accords built by hand in the whole world, and to the horror of Honda engineers, the recording team disassembled two of them for the recording.

Everything you see in the sequence (besides the walls, floor, ramp and untouched Honda Accord) is part of those two automobiles. The voice is that of Garrison Keiller. The commercial was so well received by Honda execs when they saw it, that their first comment was how amazing the computer graphics were. They almost fell out of their chairs when told that the recording was real without any graphics manipulation.

By the way, about the wind shield wipers in the new Honda Accords, they are sensitive to water and designed to start working as soon as they get wet.

Enjoy!!

Technology Scientific Discovery

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.


So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and the headlines in the US papers read: ' US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians.'


One week later, Indian daily newspapers reported the following:


'After digging as deep as 500 meters, Indian scientists have found absolutely nothing.

They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using Bluetooth and Wireless technology.

The Perfect Hubby

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $10,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$ 40,00,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ..... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $ 2,50,00,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 2,25,00,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go for the extra amount. It really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....


He smiles and asks: ...................


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"Anyone knows who this mobile belongs to?"

You know you are living in 2009 when ....

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.