Humour in Uniform (from Amreeka)
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, 'What time is it?'
The tower responded, 'Who is calling?'
The aircraft replied, 'What difference does it make?'
The tower replied, 'It makes a lot of difference.. . If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. 'Your jeep stuck, sir?' asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. 'Nope,' replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. 'Yours is.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, 'Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.' Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, 'What do you want?'
'Nothing important, sir,' the airman replied, 'I'm just here to hook up your telephone.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Officer: 'Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?'
Soldier: 'Sure, buddy.'
Officer: 'That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!'
Officer: Do you have change for a dollar?'
Soldier: 'No, SIR!'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The General shouted, 'Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whore-house! '
The Chief turned to his barber and said, 'Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore-house smells like.'
----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
'Well,' snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, 'I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave.'
'Not me, Chief!' the Seaman replied. 'Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!'
28 October 2009
There were TWO Brooms in the Closet . . .
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt ! ! ! ! ! !
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER !"
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt ! ! ! ! ! !
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER !"
26 October 2009
So You Think You Are Smart?
Let's see how smart you are! Try out these 5 questions below. (Answers ... please scroll down)
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
I know you are laughing.....been easy so far...OK...
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away ?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly
you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and
plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it.. In fact, nothing
is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think
about it, but you still may not find anything odd... But if you work at
it a bit, you might find out.. Try to do so without any coaching!
THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead...
That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
4. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
5.. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
I know you are laughing.....been easy so far...OK...
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away ?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly
you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and
plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it.. In fact, nothing
is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think
about it, but you still may not find anything odd... But if you work at
it a bit, you might find out.. Try to do so without any coaching!
THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead...
That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
4. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
5.. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.
One World, One Language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English' .
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. This will sertainly make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new s pelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a real sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English' .
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. This will sertainly make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new s pelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a real sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
24 October 2009
Husband vs Wife
Husband VS Wife
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
*********
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."
"Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
*********
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
*********
" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.
" Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
*********
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
*********
One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
*********
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said,
"Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."
*********
A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
*********
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."
*********
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied,
"I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
*********
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."
"Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
*********
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
*********
" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.
" Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
*********
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
*********
One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
*********
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said,
"Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."
*********
A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
*********
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."
*********
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied,
"I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.
21 October 2009
Car Names And Its Meanings
BMW : Brings Me Women
FIAT : Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
FORD : For Only Rough Drivers
HYUNDAI : Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive....
VOLVO : Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
PORSCHE : Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
KIA : Kills In Accidents
OPEL : Old People Enjoying Life
TOYOTA : The One You Only Trust, Always
GOLF/GTI : Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside
HONDA : Hanged Over, Now Driving Away
FIAT : Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
FORD : For Only Rough Drivers
HYUNDAI : Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive....
VOLVO : Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
PORSCHE : Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
KIA : Kills In Accidents
OPEL : Old People Enjoying Life
TOYOTA : The One You Only Trust, Always
GOLF/GTI : Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside
HONDA : Hanged Over, Now Driving Away
Request for Hotel Accommodation
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well-groomed and very well behaved.
Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,
"I've been operating this hotel for many years.
In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.
And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here too.
He wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well-groomed and very well behaved.
Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,
"I've been operating this hotel for many years.
In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.
And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here too.
Daughters!
A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom
was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and
Everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It
was addressed "Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and
read the letter with trembling hands:-
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new
boyfriend Saim because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Saim and he is so
nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him
too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and
motorcycle clothes.
But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and
Saim said that he wants me to have the kid and that we
can be very happy together. Even though Saim is much
older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is
it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't
stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?
Saim has a great CD collection; he already owns a
trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for
the whole winter.
It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know
he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to
have many more children with me and that's now one of
my dreams too.
Saim taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade
it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we
want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will
find a cure for AIDS so Saim can get better; he sure
deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how
to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back
to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Rosie.
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".
Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet,
and read:
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the
neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card
that's in my desk centre drawer.
Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come
home.
I love you!
was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and
Everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It
was addressed "Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and
read the letter with trembling hands:-
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new
boyfriend Saim because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Saim and he is so
nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him
too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and
motorcycle clothes.
But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and
Saim said that he wants me to have the kid and that we
can be very happy together. Even though Saim is much
older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is
it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't
stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?
Saim has a great CD collection; he already owns a
trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for
the whole winter.
It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know
he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to
have many more children with me and that's now one of
my dreams too.
Saim taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade
it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we
want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will
find a cure for AIDS so Saim can get better; he sure
deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how
to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back
to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Rosie.
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".
Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet,
and read:
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the
neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card
that's in my desk centre drawer.
Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come
home.
I love you!
16 October 2009
Embarassing Situation
A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice :
"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly with,
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN TEN THOUSAND RUPEES FOR ONE NIGHT? THATS TOO MUCH!"
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice :
"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly with,
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN TEN THOUSAND RUPEES FOR ONE NIGHT? THATS TOO MUCH!"
How to Bill Others
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
15 October 2009
The Smart Hunter
A SMART GUY WENT HUNTING ONE DAY IN ONTARIO AND BAGGED THREE DUCKS. HE PUT THEM IN THE BACK OF HIS PICKUP TRUCK AND WAS ABOUT TO DRIVE HOME WHEN HE WAS CONFRONTED BY A GAME WARDEN WHO DIDN'T LIKE SMART GUYS.
THE GAME WARDEN ORDERED HIM TO SHOW HIS HUNTING LICENSE AND THE SMART GUY PULLED OUT A VALID ONTARIO HUNTING LICENSE.
THE GAME WARDEN LOOKED AT THE LICENSE, THEN REACHED OVER AND PICKED UP ONE OF THE DUCKS, SNIFFED ITS BUTT, AND SAID," THIS DUCK AIN'T FROM ONTARIO. THIS IS A QUEBEC DUCK. YOU GOT A QUEBEC HUNTING LICENSE, BOY??"
THE SMART GUY REACHED INTO HIS WALLET AND PRODUCED A QUEBEC HUNTING LICENSE. THE GAME WARDEN LOOKED AT IT, THEN REACHED OVER AND GRABBED THE SECOND DUCK, SNIFFED ITS BUTT,AND SAID " THIS AIN'T NO QUEBEC DUCK. THIS DUCK'S FROM MANITOBA. YOU GOT A MANITOBA LICENSE??"
THE SMART GUY REACHED INTO HIS WALLET AND PRODUCED A MANITOBA HUNTING LICENSE. THE WARDEN THEN REACHED OVER AND PICKED UP THE THIRD DUCK, SNIFFED ITS BUTT, AND SAID " THIS AIN'T NO MANITOBA DUCK. THIS HERE DUCK'S FROM NOVA SCOTIA.YOU GOT A NOVA SCOTIA HUNTING LICENSE??"
AGAIN THE SMART GUY REACHED INTO HIS WALLET KEEPING CALM AND PATIENCE AND BROUGHT OUT A NOVA SCOTIA LICENSE.
THE GAME WARDEN WAS EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED AT THIS POINT, AND HE YELLED AT THE SMART GUY"JUST WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU FROM??"
THE SMART GUY SMILED, TURNED AROUND, BENT OVER, DROPPED HIS PANTS SHOWING HIS BUTT AND SAID,
" YOU TELL ME, YOU ARE THE EXPERT!!!"
THE GAME WARDEN ORDERED HIM TO SHOW HIS HUNTING LICENSE AND THE SMART GUY PULLED OUT A VALID ONTARIO HUNTING LICENSE.
THE GAME WARDEN LOOKED AT THE LICENSE, THEN REACHED OVER AND PICKED UP ONE OF THE DUCKS, SNIFFED ITS BUTT, AND SAID," THIS DUCK AIN'T FROM ONTARIO. THIS IS A QUEBEC DUCK. YOU GOT A QUEBEC HUNTING LICENSE, BOY??"
THE SMART GUY REACHED INTO HIS WALLET AND PRODUCED A QUEBEC HUNTING LICENSE. THE GAME WARDEN LOOKED AT IT, THEN REACHED OVER AND GRABBED THE SECOND DUCK, SNIFFED ITS BUTT,AND SAID " THIS AIN'T NO QUEBEC DUCK. THIS DUCK'S FROM MANITOBA. YOU GOT A MANITOBA LICENSE??"
THE SMART GUY REACHED INTO HIS WALLET AND PRODUCED A MANITOBA HUNTING LICENSE. THE WARDEN THEN REACHED OVER AND PICKED UP THE THIRD DUCK, SNIFFED ITS BUTT, AND SAID " THIS AIN'T NO MANITOBA DUCK. THIS HERE DUCK'S FROM NOVA SCOTIA.YOU GOT A NOVA SCOTIA HUNTING LICENSE??"
AGAIN THE SMART GUY REACHED INTO HIS WALLET KEEPING CALM AND PATIENCE AND BROUGHT OUT A NOVA SCOTIA LICENSE.
THE GAME WARDEN WAS EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED AT THIS POINT, AND HE YELLED AT THE SMART GUY"JUST WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU FROM??"
THE SMART GUY SMILED, TURNED AROUND, BENT OVER, DROPPED HIS PANTS SHOWING HIS BUTT AND SAID,
" YOU TELL ME, YOU ARE THE EXPERT!!!"
14 October 2009
Adam & Eve Joke
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.
3 Motorbike Videos .....
There are silly things that people do .. and there are SILLY things that people do on their bikes!
VIDEO 1
VIDEO 1
VIDEO 2
VIDEO3
A Serious Computer Problem
A Serious Computer Problem
"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
13 October 2009
12 October 2009
The facts about Marriage
The facts about Marriage
1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelors Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.
5. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
6. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
7. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
8. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
9. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Father: That's true everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
10. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
11. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
12. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10 year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
13. Confucius says: man who sinks into a woman's arm soon have arms in woman's sink.
14. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
15. Only 40 percent of married men cheat in Europe, the rest cheat in other parts of the world.
16. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They can't face each other, but still they stay together.
17. Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
18. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the 'Y' becomes silent.
19. "I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always."
20. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
21. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
22. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all, money, a beautiful house, the love of a beautiful woman, then POW! it was all gone"
"What happened?", asked his friend.
He says "My Wife found out"
23. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.
24. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: "Aren't you wearing your ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I married the wrong man"
25. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
26. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
27. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
28. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
29. They say women have a longer life expectancy than men...I think we just choose to die sooner!
1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelors Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.
5. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
6. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
7. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
8. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
9. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Father: That's true everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
10. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
11. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
12. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10 year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
13. Confucius says: man who sinks into a woman's arm soon have arms in woman's sink.
14. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
15. Only 40 percent of married men cheat in Europe, the rest cheat in other parts of the world.
16. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They can't face each other, but still they stay together.
17. Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
18. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the 'Y' becomes silent.
19. "I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always."
20. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
21. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
22. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all, money, a beautiful house, the love of a beautiful woman, then POW! it was all gone"
"What happened?", asked his friend.
He says "My Wife found out"
23. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.
24. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: "Aren't you wearing your ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I married the wrong man"
25. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
26. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
27. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
28. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
29. They say women have a longer life expectancy than men...I think we just choose to die sooner!
08 October 2009
How the Company Views its Employees
How the Company Views its Employees
1. The family picture is on HIS desk.
Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on HER desk.
Umm, her family will come before her career.
********
2. HIS desk is cluttered.
He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
HER desk is cluttered.
She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain
********
3. HE is talking with his co-workers.
He must be discussing the latest deal
SHE is talking with her co-workers.
She must be gossiping.
********
4. HE's not at his desk.
He must be at a meeting.
SHE's not at her desk.
She must be in the ladies' room.
********
5. HE's not in the office.
He's meeting with customers.
SHE's not in the office.
She must be out shopping.
********
6. HE's having lunch with the boss.
He's on his way up.
SHE's having lunch with the boss.
They must be having an affair.
********
7. The boss criticised HIM.
He'll improve his performance.
The boss criticized HER.
She'll be very upset.
********
8. HE got an unfair deal.
Did he get angry?
SHE got an unfair deal.
Did she cry?
********
9. HE's getting married.
He'll get more settled.
SHE's getting married.
She'll get pregnant and leave.
********
10. HE's having a baby.
He'll need a raise.
SHE's having a baby.
She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.
********
11. HE's going on a business trip.
It's good for his career.
SHE's going on a business trip.
What does her husband say?
********
12. HE's leaving for a better job.
He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.
SHE's leaving for a better job.
Women are not dependable.
1. The family picture is on HIS desk.
Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on HER desk.
Umm, her family will come before her career.
********
2. HIS desk is cluttered.
He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
HER desk is cluttered.
She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain
********
3. HE is talking with his co-workers.
He must be discussing the latest deal
SHE is talking with her co-workers.
She must be gossiping.
********
4. HE's not at his desk.
He must be at a meeting.
SHE's not at her desk.
She must be in the ladies' room.
********
5. HE's not in the office.
He's meeting with customers.
SHE's not in the office.
She must be out shopping.
********
6. HE's having lunch with the boss.
He's on his way up.
SHE's having lunch with the boss.
They must be having an affair.
********
7. The boss criticised HIM.
He'll improve his performance.
The boss criticized HER.
She'll be very upset.
********
8. HE got an unfair deal.
Did he get angry?
SHE got an unfair deal.
Did she cry?
********
9. HE's getting married.
He'll get more settled.
SHE's getting married.
She'll get pregnant and leave.
********
10. HE's having a baby.
He'll need a raise.
SHE's having a baby.
She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.
********
11. HE's going on a business trip.
It's good for his career.
SHE's going on a business trip.
What does her husband say?
********
12. HE's leaving for a better job.
He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.
SHE's leaving for a better job.
Women are not dependable.
Honesty is the Best Policy
Once a general manager wanted to test his people about their values of life.
He announced that in their seminar folder, there is PVC pouch and in it there is a seed. When they return, they must put it in a good soil in a pot and look after it very well.
He would hold a competition in the next year's seminar and that the best plants would be awarded suitably.
Everyone did what was told to him. A year passed quickly. And next year in a big hall, there were hundreds of pots and a great variety of plants-a great scene.
Except one pot in which the soil was there and no plant! The owner was standing quietly and seemingly ashamed of himself!
The general manager called him on the stage. He asked him what happened and he told him the truth. He planted the seed which he was given – and did that was to be done -but nothing happened!
The general manager declared him the winner!
Everyone was shocked. It was announced, "Gentlemen! The seeds I gave you were boiled seeds. You planted them and nothing happened! You acted smartly and used some other seeds.
This man was honest to his work and, therefore he did not cheat me or himself! And we respect honest people even today."
That man later became the Vice-President of the company.
Honesty is still the best policy.
He announced that in their seminar folder, there is PVC pouch and in it there is a seed. When they return, they must put it in a good soil in a pot and look after it very well.
He would hold a competition in the next year's seminar and that the best plants would be awarded suitably.
Everyone did what was told to him. A year passed quickly. And next year in a big hall, there were hundreds of pots and a great variety of plants-a great scene.
Except one pot in which the soil was there and no plant! The owner was standing quietly and seemingly ashamed of himself!
The general manager called him on the stage. He asked him what happened and he told him the truth. He planted the seed which he was given – and did that was to be done -but nothing happened!
The general manager declared him the winner!
Everyone was shocked. It was announced, "Gentlemen! The seeds I gave you were boiled seeds. You planted them and nothing happened! You acted smartly and used some other seeds.
This man was honest to his work and, therefore he did not cheat me or himself! And we respect honest people even today."
That man later became the Vice-President of the company.
Honesty is still the best policy.
Ultimate truth
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
________________________________________
To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
________________________________________
The road to success??.. Is always under construction.
________________________________________
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
________________________________________
In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
________________________________________
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else.
________________________________________
Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
________________________________________
Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.
________________________________________
If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
________________________________________
You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
________________________________________
Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
________________________________________
As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.
________________________________________
He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.
________________________________________
If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late.
________________________________________
Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
________________________________________
When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
________________________________________
If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls.
________________________________________
Especially for engg. Students----
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
________________________________________
You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
________________________________________
The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
________________________________________
After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be more crowded than the other.
________________________________________
If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
________________________________________
Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker
________________________________________
To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
________________________________________
The road to success??.. Is always under construction.
________________________________________
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
________________________________________
In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
________________________________________
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else.
________________________________________
Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
________________________________________
Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.
________________________________________
If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
________________________________________
You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
________________________________________
Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
________________________________________
As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.
________________________________________
He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.
________________________________________
If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late.
________________________________________
Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
________________________________________
When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
________________________________________
If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls.
________________________________________
Especially for engg. Students----
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
________________________________________
You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
________________________________________
The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
________________________________________
After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be more crowded than the other.
________________________________________
If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
________________________________________
Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker
Smart Boy and Dumb Principal
A Lady Teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class. Madam asked,'Boy. What is your problem?'
Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!'
Madam took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his Questions he had to go back to the first-grade. Madam agreed.
The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy.: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy.: '36'.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the 4th grade.'
Madam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions'.
'Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.
Madam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of'?
Boy, after a moment 'Legs.'
Madam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
Boy.: 'Pockets.'
Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, Delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer..
Boy.: Shake hands
Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Fire truck
Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME.
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, likes pumping, and is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
'Send this Boy to 10th Grade'
Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!'
Madam took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his Questions he had to go back to the first-grade. Madam agreed.
The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy.: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy.: '36'.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the 4th grade.'
Madam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions'.
'Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.
Madam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of'?
Boy, after a moment 'Legs.'
Madam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
Boy.: 'Pockets.'
Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, Delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer..
Boy.: Shake hands
Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Fire truck
Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME.
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, likes pumping, and is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
'Send this Boy to 10th Grade'
07 October 2009
Had Columbus Been Married
If Columbus had been married, he might never have discovered America, because he would have had to answer all the following questions and listen to such dramatic statements:
Where are you going?
With whom?
Why?
How are you going?
To discover what?
Why only you?
What do I do when you are not here?
Can I come with you?
When will you be back?
Will you be home for dinner?
What will you bring for me?
You deliberately made this plan without me, didn't you?
You seem to be making a lot of these programs lately...
Answer me why?
I want to go to my mother's house.
I want you to drop me there.
I don't want to come back ever!
What do you mean, OK?
Why aren't you stopping me?
I don't understand what this whole 'discovery' thing is about.
You always do things like this.
Last time also you did the same thing!
Nowadays you always seem to do this kind of stuff.
I still don't understand what else is left to be discovered!
Where are you going?
With whom?
Why?
How are you going?
To discover what?
Why only you?
What do I do when you are not here?
Can I come with you?
When will you be back?
Will you be home for dinner?
What will you bring for me?
You deliberately made this plan without me, didn't you?
You seem to be making a lot of these programs lately...
Answer me why?
I want to go to my mother's house.
I want you to drop me there.
I don't want to come back ever!
What do you mean, OK?
Why aren't you stopping me?
I don't understand what this whole 'discovery' thing is about.
You always do things like this.
Last time also you did the same thing!
Nowadays you always seem to do this kind of stuff.
I still don't understand what else is left to be discovered!
The Reasonable Wife
After being married 25 years, one day I took a look at my wife and said,
"Honey, do you realize 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things!"
Now my wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....
I shut up and took out the trash...
Aren't older women great?
They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!
"Honey, do you realize 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things!"
Now my wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....
I shut up and took out the trash...
Aren't older women great?
They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!
05 October 2009
Murphy's laws on Girls
Murphy's laws on Girls
1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that
2. the nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!
3. The more the makeup, worse the looks...
4. "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always be in your company."............ .....100% true
5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.
6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now ,when you are committed..
7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.
8. Theory of relativity.. ....
The more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...
9. Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend( I guess from Kumbh ka Mela)
Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1
Axiom 1: The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before things work out, but ultimately it will (somesmile for the guys)
10. The day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-
1. You are dressed badly
2. You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
3.Have a bad hair day
11. all the good girls are either nuns or married . The rest go around with u and ruin ur money,health and leave u a total wreck.
12. The more seriously u like a girl...the more seriously her dad will hate u
13. The love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to the number of bullets her dad will be showering at you.
1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that
2. the nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!
3. The more the makeup, worse the looks...
4. "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always be in your company."............ .....100% true
5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.
6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now ,when you are committed..
7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.
8. Theory of relativity.. ....
The more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...
9. Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend( I guess from Kumbh ka Mela)
Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1
Axiom 1: The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before things work out, but ultimately it will (somesmile for the guys)
10. The day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-
1. You are dressed badly
2. You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
3.Have a bad hair day
11. all the good girls are either nuns or married . The rest go around with u and ruin ur money,health and leave u a total wreck.
12. The more seriously u like a girl...the more seriously her dad will hate u
13. The love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to the number of bullets her dad will be showering at you.
Virgin Atlantic Customer Care Service
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'. The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be
able to work something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?' Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F.. You!' Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too .
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'. The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be
able to work something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?' Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F.. You!' Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too .
02 October 2009
PRICELESS WORDS
PRICELESS WORDS
A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"
Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"
The Breakdown
Moral : Self-induced hangover - $400.00
Broken crockery - $800.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS"
A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"
Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"
The Breakdown
Moral : Self-induced hangover - $400.00
Broken crockery - $800.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS"
Parents are Never Satisfied with Children's Results
Parents are Never Satisfied with Children's Results
Watch this funny video below .. .. ..
Watch this funny video below .. .. ..
01 October 2009
Daytime Affair
Daytime Affair
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope......... Just when it's raining".
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope......... Just when it's raining".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Related Jokes
